let's take a break from my i'm-so-disappointed-in-HI M state and think abt where e hell i'm heading...today i told sam exactly how i felt abt 'A's...i just feel tt even if i get AAA, it's not enuf for a scholarship?? and even if i dun study...i'll still get into a uni?? so yah. wat's e pt rite?? ain't e results e same??? maybe tt's y i felt so demoralised and nvr really bothered.....but at least now i feel more motivated..coz i've decided tt studying is not for getting into uni..studying is a form of being responsible by doing wat i shld be doing at this stage of my life and answering to myself. sure...i can move on w/o e hard work.....but can i ever look at my results and feel tt sense of pride?? cannot lorz....i haven't felt a sense of pride since 'O's results lahz....if i dun study...next yr when i come back and see someone get top arts student...will i cont to tell myself tt i was always near tt position w/o studying??? i noe tt if i dun start studying now..i will. i give up my life of romanticized illusions of how gd i am.......coz frankly, a person shld be govened by inner principles rather than external circumstances and external circumstances shape me too much.

well...i'm also decided another thing...i'm always fighting for more independence...then i asked myself if i deserve it....i can't cook...i am lazy to go to e coffee shop to get food and will rather starve...yet i tell my parents tt i deserve to go to m'sia with ppl they dunno for a tour...well......maybe i shld start by going coffee shop to da bao food and not starve myself?? i actually have this dream to rent a place and move out to stay during uni...just for e knack of it....then i asked myself how long i will last...maybe i will die on e first day coz i'm lazy to go to e coffeeshop to da bao..LOL....but seriously......maybe tt's a way for me to learn independence bahz...i dunno?? but at least to me.....hostels are more of a social standing at uni than an accomodation tt i will like...to me a hostel just means e popular ppl running ard into each others' rms...gals nite outs....sleepovers....and tons of rules...i rather stay hm than pay those rents...i really do dream of renting a lil flat though...maybe can share with some frens...something near sch...maybe i can even cycle to sch!! (if i rem how to tt is)...i'm like soooo sure i'll get in...wat if i dun?????? nothing in this world is certain...maybe God will take away tt from me just to teach me a lesson i nvr learn.......so i shld prove i'm worthy of tt place........=)

anyway!! i must make money..LOL...to pay my fees...i hope to at least subsidize my parents half...i doubt i can get a scholarship...they still have to give me like books fees and stuff lahz...think so rich mehz..LOL...i want to earn my own pocket money too...if i decide to give tuition...i can perhaps teach 3 pple?? i hope to teach one person chi...keep in touch with it..LOL...anyway...i've pick something near hm...then even if i move out..i can visit on wkends.....and i'll slot 2 of them on e same wkend day.....then in betwn i can go library study!! dreams dreams dreams...and they rely upon e fact tt i make it to uni...LOL......only if i make it to uni...can i have fun trying to fund myself ahz!!! i think it'll be fun and cool to fund my own way thru uni...i'm weird so shoot me..LOL...no challenge for ur parents to send u thru uni...i always admired ppl who made it thru sch by working themselves....and i want to be like tt too!!!!!!! =)

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