i realised today tt all my GP essays somehow talk abt communication..communication is not e act of talking... not even e act of listening..it is e act of understanding. are we communicating?? i was talking to D just now..he told me he hai hao lahz..and told me he walked hm from sch..in e rain..tt is not hai hao to me..just not. tt's hen bu hao..tt is not communicating..communicating is when i talk to ting..she tells me she's doing okie..i ask if she's stressed she says yes and i ask if it's studies and she says yes and i can make her feel alot better after talking...communication is not when i ask u if u are okie and u say hai hao lahz..and i ask u if u are cutting urself and u say no and then act so bloodly miserable....communicating is not when u tell me tt u won't tell me..not when u ask me to guess and not when u shut me out of ur world....not when i stand outside ur world..and u are inside..and when it's raining in ur world and u are making it rain in mine..if u wld just open e door...e rain can stop in both worlds...but u won't...u think a thunderstorm will hit me and i will run away when u open e damn door. it won't...i won't run away..simply coz no matter how bad things are...both ways also die..might as well stay.
how can i not understand anyone?? i'm like e most f-up mind-reader or something..i understand pple..and yes i do..i am sure i do. it's just u...i'm talking to cw..he's telling me abt how u must trust me and how i must u/s u before u will tell me stuff..tell me how i can u/s u if u tell me tt only 40% of u is shown?? tell me how lahz...but as an optimist...e cup is 40% full to me. i'm so crazy. i can't stand myself sometimes..so bloody crazy. notice my rather relatively vulgar entry today..dun ask me y. just liddat. i dunno wat's wrong with me..feel so bloody funny today i din go sch sell tiles..din go sch study. tt's dumb and weird..i noe i shld be studying now instead of typing this bloody blog talking abt u. but wat can i do.
and i feel so bloody f-up..i dunno wat i'm doing. somehow things just elude me..i dunno how my brain works. can i say tt i dun like ji'en?? i can't. somehow things just keep changing and i just dunno wat happens then *poof* a new glass panel appears betwn us..this is damn stupid. i also dunno wat i'm doing. i just dunno. this is ridiculous. how can i be so dumb...wat happened to e time when i tot tt i loved him?? then poof wat happened?? and now wat?? i dun even noe. i dun understand!! i guess i shld just study..coz at least i understand wat i'm studying..except BKC..i realise tt i fail all of eddie's papers lahz...other teachers give me 15+ at least de lorz......even gothic before eddie took over and i got ungraded. something wrong..tt i dun understand either. give me time to think manz..until after my 'A's..at tt time..i will try to ans to pple and most imptly to myself. and funny..dee is online and talking to g but not me?? this is damn damn weird..time i find out wat's wrong with her..she's been not talking much to me and she's been sianzing vid..this is damn damn funny. i dunno lahz..let me try till after my 'A's...i cannot stand waiting and doing nothing..i am e kind who must be proactive......but cw warned me...if i try too hard to pry open e shells of an oyster..it cld close on my fingers (of coz i put in e analogy..i'm e analogy-queen)...so yupz....jiayou jiayou jiayou....

a strange silence and void fills me.
today..summer mo mo tea moved me. and gave tt void a fresh flowery scent for a brief moment.
yest. a drizzle started in my heart when i realised tt u are still my motivation.
today. e drizzle continued as i realised tt i can stop loving u but i can't forget u.
now. e drizzle picked up with a wind as i realise tt i can rem ur face and voice telling me tt u love e rain and wind too.
even more now. i decided tt i must keep u out of my heart and i realise tt i hope to be able to intro someone to u.

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