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life's funny...esp when things come full circle.
i fell sick yest...coz i was so affected by a msn convo i had 2 days ago.
Y msn-ed me....and he wanted to ask me out for coffee one of these days so i graciously agreed of coz...no harm drinking some coffee i guess. then he wanted to send me a song. so i accepted and listened to it. he really has a god-given voice/talent for singing. somehow e song moved me a lil to open myself to him a lil...so i opened tt door that i shut long ago when i rejected him. i guess that in a way...it was open before tt but i had to shut it since he asked a yes/no qn then. and it was a ridiculous yes/no qn at that. he asked if i would one day marry him. i had to say no coz i wld nvr convert into any religion just coz of marriage...somemore it's islam! (okie....religion-ist. but i dun like a restrictive lifestyle). so i closed it long ago.
i guess i felt safe opening e door a very lil bit....thinking that well...no harm since he's attached now mahz. i was wrong. LOL! anyway i asked for him to send me his rendition of 'when u say nothing at all'...which in a way was a special song for me during that period coz before his confession...most ppl who knew us plus both of us kinda both knew that there was sth but we nvr said anything. for alot of reasons of coz. then he offered to sing it for me in real life. which stunned me. and i slammed tt door that i opened slightly shut! LOL. then i said no...but cldn't think of an excuse. and i can't confess the potency of his music and how it melts ppl. in fact...i rem like 80% of e gals in my class having crushes on him. -_-. and how dee used to go mad whenever he performs. so i invented some crap reason like how a recorded version is better since i can play back whenever i feel like it. (i guess that i also have e option of deleting it...not playing it. anyway i prefer my memory of him to stay a memory i guess).
anyway....he started sending me more songs. then i decided tt it's abit too weird. so i attempted to remind him tt he's attached by asking if his gf recorded e his competition song for him (he won btw.). then he said no...and that they broke up. GOSH!!! i almost died tt moment. i admit that i was slightly happy...but of coz i din almost die from happiness. i almost died from confusion, shock and i suddenly felt very lost. coz it was as if we were walking tgt till one day...we had to go onto two diff paths. then i got attached and he expressed his regret then he got attached and i expressed my congratulations though i felt a tinge of sadness coz his music ceased to be abt me. then i split and then he split. and suddenly he seems to be trying to come back onto my path. and it seems so natural to slip back into that ambiguous relationship that would lead nowhere coz i dun like the end pt. so i resisted as i did back then. and all e things he said at our final clearing things up conversation seems like yesterday. how he was so sure that i would say yes. how i asked if he nvr once considered the opposition, the problems and he admitted that he nvr considered it.
then he asked again to meet me and to sing to me.
once again i have e choice... i could let him down or i could let everyone else down esp my family who wld nvr approve...and my frens who wld have probs going out with us since we eat e most non-halal food. and let myself down by restricting my lifestyle.
in e end...i noe that i wld let him down again. coz e other option isn't even a valid option for me.
currently listening to a repertoire of the songs he sent me...i dun like being in this ambiguous space...and he sure knows how to push me in. but i can't change my ans still.