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in e past...whenever i had grouses or whenever i saw any difficulties before me whether in comserv or in gs...e first person tt comes to mind wld be ritch...and i wld always get e reassurance, e strength to continue. now i stand on my own two feet...and e eth path seems so fraught with difficulties. i think at least 3 times before doing or saying anything. and everytime i think of the difficulties...i think of ritch. but he's not here. so i stand on my own two feet. i used to do it so well...i used to support e world on these two feet. i noe tt i can do it for eth. just tt...once again...i will do it without the feeling of you being with me. a feeling tt has grown foreign.
i feel so unsure abt how to approach gh. he was my pref...though i dunno much abt him. suddenly i dunno how to start. suddenly he's talking so much. more than me in fact. i'm very very glad tt gh has learnt to speak up and wj has learnt to retort ppl..even retorted wb and laogong. lil wj growing up. i hope i have the strength to see myself, see them and see e proj thru.
and bcoz of this and all recent spate of events in comservice...i find it so hard to study. since when did e club start to contain so much politics? tiong's right...it seems to get worse each yr. given tt all the characters being discussed are in my batch...i wonder if things will be okie once we leave. i wonder if we can even survive this yr. but most of all..i wonder if laogong can survive this yr. he's like thinking abt such things 24/7.
i thought long and hard abt knocking. i guess not...i dun want to live with standards tt i have to meet. not my lifestyle.