...
feeling very very very confused now.
nop...not coz of whether to join eth coz i've decided....to run!
but coz i dunno who i want to run with actually. definitely i want wj. a breath of fresh air in this otherwise complicated politicking place. politicking coz of e other candidate involved bahz. then betwn yz and gh...i really dunno who i prefer. and i really dunno if i can accept working with yz. and i also won't noe if i shld be e PD coz it's e overseeing position or if i shld be e prog APD coz it's e more impt position. really ahz...........confusing world. and then while i talk to yz...i feel weird encouraging him coz i dunno if i'll ever say anything detrimental to his success rate at the interview. yet if i dun encourage him...i noe tt he'll be insecure. i guess tt it was a tense moment when he bumped into me and dr at e canteen though we were just trying to persaude e other person to run. i guess he felt left-out and me and dr felt so bad and guilty...sigh. didn't help tt yz reminded us abt how after being grantaw APD..they din want him in e OC. -_-. and how they wanted me and dr and not him anyway so he may not get e post. -_- -_-.
then today came e suggestion of gh....and from wb's tone..it was obvious tt she preferred gh. then while i felt so confused over whether i prefer to work with yz or gh...it didn't help tt laogong dragged me to e clubrm. so i told wb tt i'll prob run. then i sat there and continued thinking abt e yz vs gh thing...then yz came over to talk to me...and it felt awkward. like although me and wj seldom talk as well...we dun feel awkward when we do ahz...and in fact...wj just told me tt it was super fun msn-ing me..LOL. and i promised to teach him how to be sarcastic. then i realized tt perhaps me and yz have too many knots to undo if we really do want to become friend. it's really very confusing given tt i have no impression of him. even after talking to him. first there's e layer added by ritch tt depict him as someone who isn't too capable, not too mature etc. then there is e layer by laogong who see him as needing a chance to prove himself, being someone who's really very passionate abt serving. makes me wonder wat to do. then laogong had to pose me for me e ultimate qn. whether i want yz to be on my team. and if i didn't, he'll just tell yz not to run str away. tt's like telling me tt i decide someone else's fate lahz. how can i do tt? so i told him tt of coz i'll try my best to work with yz.
e last confusing thing...it's funny coz today on e bus...i suddenly had this thought...tt perhaps when ritch gets back...my world is a very different world. it did start displaying some signs of being different this same very night. there seems to be e start of some gentle knocking at my window...i chose to ignore it. then i wondered if i imagined it. but whatever it is...if it's really there...it will knock again. i wonder if i will open tt window.
then i wondered today...as i passed e holland v flyover where me and him got lost at e other time...where he jam-braked and i screamed. and i realized tt if all tt we went thru was transplanted to memories of me and any other person...i wld prob still fall for tt person. then i wondered y he didn't.
i realized tt it's been 2 mths..my knocking on e window asked if i got over him. i ignored e qn..coz i din noe how to answer it. after 2 mths...i realized tt it's not really possible but e feelings are still there. i can't discard them or make them milder but i want to move onwards to watever e future holds. then e knocking asked if i got attached since then. so i said yes. to my bks and my taiwanese shows. i guess tt tt sums up what i've been doing these 2 mths. of coz...if things go as they are said to go..eth will soon fill my life. then u will come back. and i wonder wat spot i have reserved for u when u return. i wonder if u even think of me now tt u're away.