...
ppl tell me it's obvious beyond words
i tell them tt delusion can be a trap tt ensnares me
ppl tell me there's no doubt
i tell them that i will still have reasons to doubt.
ppl tell me ur actions speak alot
i tell them that it's not that i dun read them..i just fear reading too much.
ppl tell me it's not in character to do all these little things
i tell them that there are a hundred possibilities why you may do them.
ppl tell me to give it a shot
i tell them...i'll just get shot in e foot for trying.
ppl tell me that it's a pity
i tell them that i'm just happy that you're still here.
on one hand, i hope that things will be obvious. on e other, i notice all e lil things u do and love e light sweetness too much to risk losing them by letting u noe how important they are to me and how they have sustained me thru the trying times. i fear awkwardness, avoidance and slowly, i began to think that they will appear from the corner, catch me unaware and change my life forever. thus, i began to celebrate every single small, sweet thing that u do coz it means that my fears are still at bay. this small victories and small defeats then accompany me thru every single day of my life...magnified beyond my wildest thoughts.
~inspired by laogong to type all this. coz he suddenly asked me a very gd qn. he asked when we started. and i said tt we nvr got started wat. then i asked what he's been told. and he said tt no one told him anything just tt he tot that we're tgt from his observation. he's not e first..and he's prob not e last (i hope).
but...i live in a precarious bubble tt can burst at any moment. i'm petrified coz i was strong but u made me weak. so much so tt i dunno how to survive outside this bubble. however ambiguous and this little space is...i just wish to live in e belief tt u really wld protect me from all elements and that there really is no need for me to be strong.