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i always knew tt i do stupid things. LOL. my daily stupid thing is to sms H. i think i'm crazy. read his blog which was funny. kinda copied my ideas a lil when he said tt he's romantic. LOL. so obvious tt it's copied with e 'blue rose' thing. copycat. anyway...i had to go crazy. coz he said tt if he doesn't like e gal...he won't give her a ride even if she said martians were coming to sch kinda thing..he'll just say he doesn't have a spare helmet. i had to be a crazy gal and sms him tt martians are coming to sch and asked if he has a spare helmet. LOL. madness..he haven't reply yet. =X. maybe subconsciously i dun want to sleep tonite..want to study whole nite?
sigh. given tt e charity show is now on..i bet u'll be watching and not looking at ur phone..or watching soccer..or working or something. prob will have to wait for 10 yrs!
1yr
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10yr.
okie ahz! i tried to speed e yrs up..but no reply yet.
anyway today i went qing ming...dunno...totally smoky place...maybe i dun feel that much for my great-grandfather or grandfather..after all i've nvr known them in my life. finally my grandma..maybe i just din see much purpose in such an activity..go to a smoky place, burn paper and try to communicate ur tots of the dead. i just ended up saying in my heart tt i hope to noe who i love and tt tt person loves me too..and i hope to do well in e upcoming exams. no meaningful dialogue, no tots. it's just me making silly wishes.
Somes tots are best said in solitude. said in ur heart. or perhaps simply left unsaid.
1. when i was young, my mother had to work and my dad's always out with his frens drinking. so i was home with my mom till she needed to go to work..everytime my mom will have to call my grandma at like 5pm coz she works at 6pm to 10pm to ask where my grandma is..coz i was too young to be left alone at home. my grandma will always tell my mom not to go to work. which will make my mom very sad and sometimes my mom will swallow her tears and bring me to work (which i thoroughly enjoyed)
2. my grandma when left alone with me...will feel bored at home. hence she either rots at home or brings me with her to e gambling den...e latter will result in my dad and mom scolding her like hell. i still rem e den...quite boring there.
3. gd things of coz include our love for soup. we can just eat rice and soup and soy sauce. one big bowl. LOL. we both like playing blackjack. used to keep playing on her bed. she'll shield me when my dad beats me. dunno...with all her failings as a grandma...she loved me bahz. just tt she din have e ability to love me e way i wld have wanted her to...coz she loved gambling more. i can't say tt i miss her either. since i won't noe wat to do/say to her shld she return.
as i've always said: the most beautiful love is one that exist only in memory.
maybe tt's y i love her more than than when she's alive. i used to see her failings. they were so stark that when my dad quarrelled with her everyday and sent her to an old folks hm coz i had sch, mom had work and dad just din want to stay home to look after her.....i din utter a word. when my parents kept telling me to visit her...i din coz i wldn't noe wat to say to her. she loved me yet i did nothing to get her out of the home. i was afraid of seeing her for wat she is..but mostly for wat i am.
when she passed away i was in chiangmai. when my dad broke e news...i din feel sad. i kinda felt as if i knew it all along. as if somehow we're linked so i just noe. so i din cry much..i teared a lil in e bathrm but tt's all. my dad scolded me saying tt i'm hard-hearted. i noe tt at tt time i just din miss her enuf. i just din forgive her for not loving me e way i believed she shld have. i was angry with how she brought up my dad, how he scolded her yet she meekly cldn't do anything to discipline her own son. causing her son to turn out e way he did. so many reasons y i din cry openly. i just din see a need to. wat's e pt.
then one nite...finally i cried. coz tt nite i was sleeping...i felt as if grandma came back to visit me...i felt a cold on my legs (i still feel it sometimes nowadays...tt's how grandma usu touches me when she was alive)...e cold spread all e way up my body tt nite...until i felt as if i cldn't speak. at tt pt in time..there was so much i wanted to say. but i cldn't speak.i started crying tt nite..coz there was so much i wanted to say but i cldn't speak. finally when e cold started to subside...i cld only muster one word which as sorry. after e cold was gone...all i said was 'i'll miss u'.