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today...when i saw H in e canteen...he WINKED and waved. i waved back...i must admit tt at that very moment..i tot to myself 'eye pain ahz?' okie..to be honest...i did doubt his integrity for a while. he's not ignoring me...so y is S ignoring me? it kinda rules out e possibility tt he spilled on me coz he's angry and felt tt i made up some conspiracy theory with regards to my actions. which means tt if S is distancing himself from me after his talk with H...H did it deliberately. i was a lil angry with H..but more upset with myself than anything. coz i felt happy...coz of e wink. it's as if these 2 ppl decided my path for me. and i am just accepting it. yet...i feel happy coz one of them is nice to me??
i decided to test out somemore if H is really not angry with me...so i smsed him regarding his com dinner which nicely clashes with my bbq..and he said 'eh..how you know we having mc dinner? :)' which was like.....e :) was unnecessary hence e appearance of it means tt he really din want me to think he is accusing me of noeing too much. but he wouldn't have put in tt extra effort if he's angry with me. plus e frenly wave and wink. i rest my case. he is not angry with me.
well...so i got home...i read his blog...and i find myself unable to believe that someone like tt would deliberately sabo me. even if he did sabo me...i choose to believe tt he did it in an emotional outburst/made a slip (though unlikely)/genuinely wanted some advice thinking tt S is a gd fren of mine. enough said. i simply trust him. maybe too much? i dunno. yet....it is so easy and natural tt my energies shld be diverted away from S...back to him tt it makes me wonder if S is a dream. maybe H did end up choosing my path for me (not tt he must be responsible for wat happens from here)...but i have no idea whether it is e right path...and e fact tt it's chosen..somehow makes things easier for all of us...easier might not mean better. coz currently i dun see a way to salvage my r/s with S.
okie...i had a dream too! coz i felt sick and took a nap. in e dream...there was a funfair kinda thing..i was with kai...there was a gal asking ppl to do surveys so me and kai did it..then poof. i ended up next to H...we were just walking along and joking ard..then e survey gal appeared again...she said tt she'll ask us some qns..if we answer all correctly we will win some of her d******f prods (LOL...e d*****f prod thing was a sponsor for f*****)...so he was answered e qns..during e course of e survey i felt quite sad in e dream..dun ask me y...so i rested my head..leaning it against his chest...felt so nice in e dream...when it was e last qn...i suddenly answered it! and we won for ourselves a hamper!!!!!! LOL...wth rite..if only i can redeem e hamper in real life!!
yet some remnants of e path tt S made when he barged thru e forest in my heart remains...though it is indeed lessened.
i must say tt e two of them clear e other's tracks quite well..somehow. someday..in some way, i hope i will noe wat i want and get wat i want.