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listening to fan fan's shi fei ti now...nice song. anyone who has it can send me. i realized tt i dun have much clear-cut things in my life.
anyway today..i tried really hard to contact jean-sis. like really really hard. i tried talking to mamaleong...emailing at both her addresses. they both failed. i totally miss this god-sis of mine. and i really wonder how she's doing. and i felt sad thinking tt perhaps she wanted a fresh start so badly tt she wld cut me out of her life too. and i really hope tt one day...we can be reunited. really really sad coz i really really miss her. i guess that for tt few months to a year...she was really like a sister to me. a sister whom i've nvr had.
i guess tt i must have been negligent of our sisterhood to have lost touch with her. and i must have been missing when she felt so depressed that she gave up teaching all together to escape everyone. i dunno how to find her again. suddenly sg seems gigantic. i really really feel like i lost a sister.
i wish that u sent me e gifts back then with ur home address that i cld have kept, i wish that i remember ur sister's name so that at least i can check for her email when i start teaching and i wish that i agreed to go to ur church back then so tt at least i'll know where to find u. i wish that i did buy e insurance tt u recommended back then coz at least my agent wld noe ur new contact details and he can pass mine to u.
i guess tt many things in this world are fated bahz. maybe u wanted the clean slate so much tt e God that you so believe in granted it to you by breaking off ur contact with every single person from pj.
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*snore* i realized that i am super sleepy. gosh..i'm so unable to study. i have two exams tmr..haven't started revising for one..and i'm halfway thru e other. and it's timecheck, 12 noon. -_-. but it's highly comforting tt after tmr, i wld be 3 papers down...and have only 2 more to go. which means tt i will soon be reunited with my vcd/dvds. i will jiayou!
anyway grace dear is far far away in e US now. i bet that the most tangible link betwn her and sg is her credit card bill..of coz e clique's missing of her and her missing of us and her family is highly intangible. LOL. anyway...e capitalist project tt's beautifully packaged as 'disneyland' strike again. coz grace spent like 300USD there alone. LOL. tt's like enuf for me to fly to thailand and buy e same amount of things. but anyway..dear seems like she's having fun. (though i can imagine her misery when her parents kill her when she gets back). LOL.
okie...time to go write notes for lect 7. -_-.
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i have such a funny exam strategy..i'm studying for one exam at a time..finish then study for e next one. super weird strategy this sem. LOL..but it's a pretty slack strategy tt makes me happy. finally i have started my exams and one paper is over..it was sooooo freaking cool coz there was negative marking which made true/false qns so exciting. it's like a big gamble. like fluffrace or sth!! LOL. if u win...u gain e amt u bet (i.e. 1 pt). if u lose...u lose e 1 pt..if you dun bet..of coz no nett change. LOL!!!! as with fluffraces..of coz i bet lahz. after e exam..it was so cute...e first qn on everyone's mind was 'how many did u leave blank' and damn. i left e least. i must have some potential to become a chronic gambler.
then there were e fill-in-e-blanks which were oh so yucky! LOL. asked me for e name of some bacteria...like..how i noe? LOL. so of the 12 qns...i guess i wld get 1 or 2 correct? LOL!!! *faintz* then e short ans qns..which i totally crapped for. LOL!! can only hope for the best really. hope i dun have to S/U then can save e chance for another mod. yea! and i hope i dun get sth like B+!!! worst grade ever...coz i won't S/U but it will pull down my CAP. LOL!!! that's damn grrrr. either B or worse or A- and better. LOL!!! no to B+ for this mod.
anyway...so 4 more papers left..so exciting!! LOL.
must recite my A+ chant...*A+A+A+A+* coz.....i want e honour and i want e ice cream tt comes with it! LOL. thanks beni. dun worry..u sure get ur As and A+s...e highlighters are magical. ;).
ooooo...will i study somemore at the clubrm? lalala. it's so happy being a student.
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trying to study..i'm on e slide on louis pasteur..which makes me think of e interview i had a few wks ago with this JC project-work grp who wanted to hold more abt how to conduct amazing races as part of their proposed event in the project...e funnies thing is that they wanted an amazing race for ppl to learn from pasteurization. it was funny coz at that time...i was telling them abt how this 'guy' (cldn't rem his name then) came up with e process coz he wanted to know why ppl throw e grape-fiilled barrel somewhere and if they tyco they get wine...if they suay they get vinegar. LOL!! tt was how he discovered how microbes work!! *smug*. my sci ain't tt bad after all if they are converted into stories.
anyway i got two happy emails in e early morning. one by prof Z in our discussion of his holding a party..and he said tt my grp got e highest mk for our proj!! LOL. makes me wonder if he's okie. like...we really tt gd mehz? tt means...tt my overall grade for CA is still an A+. since when do ppl get A+ for all e components?! -_-. but oh well...tt's not discounting tt i alone did like 50 readings for tt proj. maybe hard work does pay off in some way. i shld stop being skeptical abt it.
then...my 2nd happy mail was coz wb finally sent out the announcement for eth top 3...my unsettled feelings are gone...but feels kinda surreal esp coz e line tt announced my name seems especially short. coz e words: assistant and e words program/admin weren't there. -_-. like soooo short. surreal. LOL. i think i'm half-crazed. anyway e feeling was a mixture of excitement and hmmm..not sure wat's e word...but just abit unsettled. feels like alot is going to happen from tt one line alone. i bet laogong din feel like tt when he saw it. -_-. just tt one line lorz...3 top positions...1 person who was had always been pia-ing for a diff club, one person who was nvr on anyone's mind coz he nvr did anything except for log asst ever and one person who's always being bullied (though in a nice way). unsettling combi bahz. but i rem telling wb tt no matter wat...we are ppl who do want to run the proj. hope tt carries us thru. esp since at least 90% of the reason for the emergence of this combi was coz i pushed for it. i hope tt e same force will carry me thru the planning and implementation.
anyway...i'm really going to study this sem...coz it seems increasingly impossible tt i will turn up for lects/study next sem. e prob is tt if i do well this sem...it can make up next sem's horrible grades but it will also make me greedy for grades tt are as gd next sem...why are ppl so greedy?? and i dun feel like going for tuition. coz i'm lazy. -_-. but just thinking of how naughty the boy is makes me want to go. just to show him tt he can't get rid of me!! HAR!
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in e past...whenever i had grouses or whenever i saw any difficulties before me whether in comserv or in gs...e first person tt comes to mind wld be ritch...and i wld always get e reassurance, e strength to continue. now i stand on my own two feet...and e eth path seems so fraught with difficulties. i think at least 3 times before doing or saying anything. and everytime i think of the difficulties...i think of ritch. but he's not here. so i stand on my own two feet. i used to do it so well...i used to support e world on these two feet. i noe tt i can do it for eth. just tt...once again...i will do it without the feeling of you being with me. a feeling tt has grown foreign.
i feel so unsure abt how to approach gh. he was my pref...though i dunno much abt him. suddenly i dunno how to start. suddenly he's talking so much. more than me in fact. i'm very very glad tt gh has learnt to speak up and wj has learnt to retort ppl..even retorted wb and laogong. lil wj growing up. i hope i have the strength to see myself, see them and see e proj thru.
and bcoz of this and all recent spate of events in comservice...i find it so hard to study. since when did e club start to contain so much politics? tiong's right...it seems to get worse each yr. given tt all the characters being discussed are in my batch...i wonder if things will be okie once we leave. i wonder if we can even survive this yr. but most of all..i wonder if laogong can survive this yr. he's like thinking abt such things 24/7.
i thought long and hard abt knocking. i guess not...i dun want to live with standards tt i have to meet. not my lifestyle.
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after alot alot alot alot alot of thinking...i decided tt it doesn't make sense if i have a preference betwn yz and gh but i dun say it out....rite? even if it's detrimental to one of them...i guess tt it's worse overall if i really cannot/am not happy to work with e other one. it's like knowing tt u would rather eat chicken rice...then telling e canteen auntie tt u'll take anything she gives u. then...i mean..of coz u'll be damn damn happy if u get chicken rice..but what if she gives u duck rice? that would be so -_-. i really do want to be honest such tt it will benefit e club bahz..though i think it's hypocritical tt i'm so supportive of both of them yet i will eventually say whom i prefer to work with. i guess it really does take alot of strength to carry eth through...and this is just the beginning to everything.
jiayou jiayou jiayou!!
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suddenly a phrase came to mind...and tt phrase is 卑微. bei wei. i feel so small, insignificant coz of him. after not speaking for 2 mths...i thought tt perhaps i can just tell him abt eth. but e moment i clicked tt all-too-familiar nick and e window popped up...i felt all e air being sucked from my world. and i cldn't breathe anymore. then i realized sth. i've been thinking abt one particular issue for the whole of today and suddenly a new light was shed on it.
i admit tt i was angry with 'knocking'. shall not say who is 'knocking' coz it's so absurd. absurd tt he's trying to stuff me into his mold of a perfect gf. when i dun even want to play e gf part and there's nth betwn us mahz. but he seems to keep stuffing me into tt mold. -_-. like i must like kids? i shld get e same phone as him? and tt he respects my decision if i decide to get a diff phone as if it's so serious tt two ppl have different phones and how he decides to be e xiao nan ren behind me when i run for eth. i guess i'm just irritated tt these things are forced upon me. and i just dun want to upset the current balance. our past times were so happy lahz. w/o this crap.
maybe i have a chronic disorder...i dun like ppl who like me. too irritating.
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feeling very very very confused now.
nop...not coz of whether to join eth coz i've decided....to run!
but coz i dunno who i want to run with actually. definitely i want wj. a breath of fresh air in this otherwise complicated politicking place. politicking coz of e other candidate involved bahz. then betwn yz and gh...i really dunno who i prefer. and i really dunno if i can accept working with yz. and i also won't noe if i shld be e PD coz it's e overseeing position or if i shld be e prog APD coz it's e more impt position. really ahz...........confusing world. and then while i talk to yz...i feel weird encouraging him coz i dunno if i'll ever say anything detrimental to his success rate at the interview. yet if i dun encourage him...i noe tt he'll be insecure. i guess tt it was a tense moment when he bumped into me and dr at e canteen though we were just trying to persaude e other person to run. i guess he felt left-out and me and dr felt so bad and guilty...sigh. didn't help tt yz reminded us abt how after being grantaw APD..they din want him in e OC. -_-. and how they wanted me and dr and not him anyway so he may not get e post. -_- -_-.
then today came e suggestion of gh....and from wb's tone..it was obvious tt she preferred gh. then while i felt so confused over whether i prefer to work with yz or gh...it didn't help tt laogong dragged me to e clubrm. so i told wb tt i'll prob run. then i sat there and continued thinking abt e yz vs gh thing...then yz came over to talk to me...and it felt awkward. like although me and wj seldom talk as well...we dun feel awkward when we do ahz...and in fact...wj just told me tt it was super fun msn-ing me..LOL. and i promised to teach him how to be sarcastic. then i realized tt perhaps me and yz have too many knots to undo if we really do want to become friend. it's really very confusing given tt i have no impression of him. even after talking to him. first there's e layer added by ritch tt depict him as someone who isn't too capable, not too mature etc. then there is e layer by laogong who see him as needing a chance to prove himself, being someone who's really very passionate abt serving. makes me wonder wat to do. then laogong had to pose me for me e ultimate qn. whether i want yz to be on my team. and if i didn't, he'll just tell yz not to run str away. tt's like telling me tt i decide someone else's fate lahz. how can i do tt? so i told him tt of coz i'll try my best to work with yz.
e last confusing thing...it's funny coz today on e bus...i suddenly had this thought...tt perhaps when ritch gets back...my world is a very different world. it did start displaying some signs of being different this same very night. there seems to be e start of some gentle knocking at my window...i chose to ignore it. then i wondered if i imagined it. but whatever it is...if it's really there...it will knock again. i wonder if i will open tt window.
then i wondered today...as i passed e holland v flyover where me and him got lost at e other time...where he jam-braked and i screamed. and i realized tt if all tt we went thru was transplanted to memories of me and any other person...i wld prob still fall for tt person. then i wondered y he didn't.
i realized tt it's been 2 mths..my knocking on e window asked if i got over him. i ignored e qn..coz i din noe how to answer it. after 2 mths...i realized tt it's not really possible but e feelings are still there. i can't discard them or make them milder but i want to move onwards to watever e future holds. then e knocking asked if i got attached since then. so i said yes. to my bks and my taiwanese shows. i guess tt tt sums up what i've been doing these 2 mths. of coz...if things go as they are said to go..eth will soon fill my life. then u will come back. and i wonder wat spot i have reserved for u when u return. i wonder if u even think of me now tt u're away.
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i realize tt sometimes i can be so contradictory.
it all started coz of nu-er lahz! first...she told me tt it's ritch's bday...i was kinda trying to forget tt his bday was coming...and i was doing pretty well in tt..since i haven't been online so haven't been getting any friendster/facebk reminders or anything. and also coz i'm so bad with dates tt i can't rem e date of his bday anyway. i only rem e dates of a few ppls' bdays lahz. like mine, shan, ck, corn, rubz, yj, justin bro, dion.and tt's it. LOL!!!! my memory is tt bad. and of e list...3 are my pri sch classmates, 1 is someone whose bday i won't forget since it's one day after mine and also coz he's corn. then rubz dunno y i rem (honoured rite?!!) dion coz her bday is one mth after mine exactly. and justin coz his day is on e same day as yj my pri sch fren (10th oct).
so anyway i was just minding my own biz and doing ppts (as usual. it's really e ppt season...dunno y this sem so many presentations..though i like them. it's like getting CA pts for minimal work) and nu-er reminded me. which made me think whether to wish him happy bday. somehow...i shuo bu chu kuo. like...it seems so frivolous suddenly to just say those 2 words or graffiti those two words on facebk. coz beneath those two words...i have so much to say which i can't. i wanted to much to wish him..but i couldn't.
anyway...e other thing...nu-er's also e perpetuator...i'm like enjoying my retiree life now, studying when i want to, watching vcd/dvd when i want to...and she started psycho-ing me into doing eth again as APD. at least laogong wasn't this persistent. it really made me think abt wat kinda life i really want. true tt i like doing projects and stuff...true tt i like leading grps of people...but i'm enjoying life now just as much or perhaps even more. it's really very interesting tt i suddenly realize tt after giving 80% of my life to cca for so many yrs....i like e leisurely pace w/o all these projs. yet...e requests by all these frens whom i've worked so closely with like laogong, nu-er and papabird whom i love and respect created e ripples in me again. but i've nvr had so much project-inertia before in my life...makes me wonder if my engine will still run smoothly or if it'll stall halfway...
if i do take up e post...i foresee my hols flying away...i'll prob be looking thru proposals after proposals of prog. may have to deal with ppl who slack off. may have to sleepover in sch on some days. things tt sound so familiar yet so foreign. funny tt i shld feel like embracing them again. although i'm happier now w/o them. really funny.
what is most funny is tt i only realized in sem 5 tt i like studying, and tt i like doing nonsensical projects...coz i learn stuff. i nvr knew actually....