....
i would like to thanks everyone for loving me...=)
esp e silly ppl who rush to wish me happy bday at midnight. shiy, Y and jingy*. esp JY...for being on e dot on my hp time and pc time...LOL. 00:00:00. her achievement of e day..LOL. thanks Y for wanting to call me but being scared to. =) i noe tt e real reason is not tt u dun want to wake up me (although u say it) since i am still online. i noe tt u have a fragile foothold and dun wish to shake it. i still appreciate it. shiy and Y were abt 30 secs early. LJ 2 mins late and D 4 mins late..LOL....
also must thank san, gq and J for shaking my hand in sch today..LOL. esp J and his biz-like demeanor and his rem of my bbq and forgetting of his MC dinner...like...oops! but i told him to go for e dinner instead though he wants to try to make it for my bbq...nonsense. thanks for e tots ppl.
exciting day tmr bahz..=)
and thanks H for everything. e fridge, e special greeting (special according to qi...subtle and seems non existent to me...eye pain ahz) and all ur 'orhs'...=)
..
i just want to be happy...so far so gd...giving up on S. walking away coz i see no reason to stay. smsed him again yest..no response..tt's e last straw le..definitely, i can give up bahz. i see no foothold and no handgrip. i've always suxed at rock climbing. this will be no exception.
i can't climb up by myself. i need u to come tell me where to go, which rocks to use. or u to hoist me up.
no choice.
i suddenly feel like taking a bus just to feel e wind blowing in my face.
always loved e wind. maybe coz i am indeed a cloud and sometimes i like to float and drift ard a lil...
stress stress stress...
unfortunately not abt academics..LOL...
here's my proposed schedule for June:
6th to 9th: PJ leadership camp
9th to 10th: Overnite Trek (befrending)
13th to 16th: GS
19th to 24th: comserviceclub
26th to 19th: AC
ER!! not very possible i think..esp e PJ one..since i can't poss MIA for 3 full days from GS. plus it's e wk before...shld have alot of last min cock-ups (from experience..not tt i am hoping for it of coz) and wah! thanks hk for stressing me..last yr gs had only 5 councillors??? tt is how crazy.
i really really want to go for PJ leadership camp!!!!! this yr it's open for ALL J1s...how meaningful lahz! and cool lorz..prob will be having an islandwide thing with kayaking!!!!! i miss kayaking. (though i am still a lil hydrophobic)...and can trek for like 20km again or something....i miss trekking too!!! can i go for camp...spend my nites doing gs...last day....i break camp, come to nus settle a gs meeting...go for overnite trek..then go back to sch again for a final gs briefing?? actually can fit lehz e schedule...perfect fit...just tt............i din factor in sleep. muahahaha..let me ask boh if i can leave LTC on one of e days...if can...then no prob. i leave on e mid day and have prog meeting...do whole day then go back to camp and sleep. i won't even seem missing!!
imagine...6th camp. 7th gs meeting. 8th camp. 9th break camp, 9th afternoon till evening final OC meeting. 10th meeting for all parties.
or! 10th can meet OC in e morn and all relevant parties in e afternoon/evening
wheee!!! i hope this doesn't affect bel's decision to come for my camp though...got 3 days rest for her mahz! can de!!
er....so june....from e 6th....i'm not going home izzit?!!
...
i noe...for sure tt i am much loved. LOL. even if it is not by e few guys whom i have given my heart to thru-out e course of my life so far...i noe tt tons of other ppl love me. really have to thank all my frens..every single one of them.coz serious, frankly...it's really touching to see everyone pool together their money and time to have a bbq for me..to put in effort in prep-ing food for it...and tt they are thinking so long and hard abt wat presents to get me.
seriously touching. esp rubz, shaz, val, val bf, xr, matt gang...for putting in e effort to get me more gifts by not doing a grp sharing thing. and esp matt and qi who have gotten me presents early...=). and all my dearest befrenders...for their cont questioning of wat i want..and bro justin who's always so supportive of me and my bday bbqs though they usu end up as huge failures..LOL.
and have to thank alot alot of ppl...for simply being ard..esp thru this H and S thing...i realise tt i made alot of new frens in NUS. close frens...not e superficial kind..and got to noe existing frens better. uni is not abt CAP...and i've realised tt life isn't all abt cca...life is abt living it..and frens are impt.
and as usual..given tt it's tues...have to thank D...for being nice and sweet as usual. and yepz...although i may not have put it across in a very sincere way...i was happy to see him too.
i concluded this on e bus ride home today...we nvr noe wat fate has in store for us. sometimes we think tt we have lost something forever..but if fate should decree it....it will return. i believe tt if fate decrees it...somewhere along e course of my life...i will meet S again...and perhaps at that time, we will be at a better position to love each other.
right now...i just want to be happy with all my frens/
.
i sat outside for 2.5 hrs..no sign of him manz..think he really only comes to sch like once a wk or something bahz. crazy fellow.
saw h though..he waved and gave me a crunched up face..another weird fellow...
sigh....where are u?!!
..
歌曲：我比想象中 你歌手：js 专辑：真命天女插 • 搜索 "我比想象中爱 "mp3 打印预览
飞的越远越看不见
你阳光下灿烂的笑
在天跟海之间那条 线
慢慢的走远
你曾经是我的地平
你有没有一点想念
我们一起去年的夏
有种爱的感觉在心 面
那么的强烈
而这一切好象只是 天
我才发现我比想象 爱你
只是一时不小心错 了你
每当夜深人静
我诚实的分析我自
还是不可否认地
我比想象中爱你
兰花掠过沙滩变静
我又看见我们的脚
如果遇见幸福的机
有千万分之一
不顾一切也要找回
我才发现我比想象 爱你
只是一时不小心错 了你
每当夜深人静
我诚实的分析我自
总会从梦中惊醒
还是不可否认地我 想象中爱你
终于发现我比想象 爱你
只是一时不小心错 了你
每当夜深人静
我诚实的分析我自
总会从梦中惊醒
还是不可否认地我 想象中爱你
given tt kl is like freaking kpo ahz...and he's super nice too...and his super gd counselling skills...i told him abt h and s...LOL.and thru repeating my story...i learnt some stuff abt myself.
1. there is no denying it, i am very much into s.
2. i must most confused over h's actions, but i choose to believe tt he is not intentionally sabo-ing anything. defensive of that stance.
3. i really shld find out from s wassup with him.
i shall...pray i run into him in sch today!
...
today...when i saw H in e canteen...he WINKED and waved. i waved back...i must admit tt at that very moment..i tot to myself 'eye pain ahz?' okie..to be honest...i did doubt his integrity for a while. he's not ignoring me...so y is S ignoring me? it kinda rules out e possibility tt he spilled on me coz he's angry and felt tt i made up some conspiracy theory with regards to my actions. which means tt if S is distancing himself from me after his talk with H...H did it deliberately. i was a lil angry with H..but more upset with myself than anything. coz i felt happy...coz of e wink. it's as if these 2 ppl decided my path for me. and i am just accepting it. yet...i feel happy coz one of them is nice to me??
i decided to test out somemore if H is really not angry with me...so i smsed him regarding his com dinner which nicely clashes with my bbq..and he said 'eh..how you know we having mc dinner? :)' which was like.....e :) was unnecessary hence e appearance of it means tt he really din want me to think he is accusing me of noeing too much. but he wouldn't have put in tt extra effort if he's angry with me. plus e frenly wave and wink. i rest my case. he is not angry with me.
well...so i got home...i read his blog...and i find myself unable to believe that someone like tt would deliberately sabo me. even if he did sabo me...i choose to believe tt he did it in an emotional outburst/made a slip (though unlikely)/genuinely wanted some advice thinking tt S is a gd fren of mine. enough said. i simply trust him. maybe too much? i dunno. yet....it is so easy and natural tt my energies shld be diverted away from S...back to him tt it makes me wonder if S is a dream. maybe H did end up choosing my path for me (not tt he must be responsible for wat happens from here)...but i have no idea whether it is e right path...and e fact tt it's chosen..somehow makes things easier for all of us...easier might not mean better. coz currently i dun see a way to salvage my r/s with S.
okie...i had a dream too! coz i felt sick and took a nap. in e dream...there was a funfair kinda thing..i was with kai...there was a gal asking ppl to do surveys so me and kai did it..then poof. i ended up next to H...we were just walking along and joking ard..then e survey gal appeared again...she said tt she'll ask us some qns..if we answer all correctly we will win some of her d******f prods (LOL...e d*****f prod thing was a sponsor for f*****)...so he was answered e qns..during e course of e survey i felt quite sad in e dream..dun ask me y...so i rested my head..leaning it against his chest...felt so nice in e dream...when it was e last qn...i suddenly answered it! and we won for ourselves a hamper!!!!!! LOL...wth rite..if only i can redeem e hamper in real life!!
yet some remnants of e path tt S made when he barged thru e forest in my heart remains...though it is indeed lessened.
i must say tt e two of them clear e other's tracks quite well..somehow. someday..in some way, i hope i will noe wat i want and get wat i want.
...
everytime i blast my music damn loud...i cannot help but think of u. this is ridiculous.
and so sad...lun not coming to NUS. then my camp got less ppl....=(..and won't get to see her ard campus either. but i'm glad tt lun noes wat she wants. =). and it's one of e paths i had chosen for myself. events management. it's like freaking cool...PD ur whole life! LOL.
mei yi ci he ni fen kai...bei ni sheng sheng da bai. you were too nice to me. so much so tt now...it's hard to live w/o u being nice to me everyday. though u were only nice on 2 days!! it's like seeing heaven, living on heaven then being told tt it's time to come back to earth. i wish tt i nvr saw heaven.
okie ahz..no choice! must start studying le...shall study at e corridor...maybe one day u will walk pass...walk into my life once again. till then..i'll be waiting..
...
这一幕多么熟悉
紧握着你的手彼此 舍不得分离
每一次想开口但不 保持安静
给我一分钟专心
好好欣赏你的美
幸福搭配悲伤
痛是在我心交叉
挫折的眼泪不能测 爱的重量
付出的爱收不回
还欠你的我不能给
别把我心也带走
去跟随
每一次和你分开
深深的被你打败
每一次放弃你的温
痛苦难以释怀
每一次kiss you goodbye
爱情的滋味此刻我 于最明白
----
但欠你的我不能给
我才明白爱最真实 滋味
我终于明白
...
i love tuition! muahahahha
i think i am crazy...i give like 4 hrs of tuition on both sats and suns..but yepz...S not doing very well (S as in shanthy)...she got F9 for her last eng test!! which makes me abit paisei to ask to be paid..but hello!! not my fault manz..her house had renovations...so i've only seen her for like 7 times this yr! for 3 mths...seen her 7 times... *shakes head* cmi. but think i'll be seeing her more from now le..since most of my cca projs are put to rest now. and les is sweet as usual...like talking cock to her..and in fact i'll be seeing her in 1.5 hrs time...and last nite i amazed myself even by rattling off econs which i din even noe tt i knew..muahahaha.
rubz~ i miss u...get ur pc back in order manz!
sudden craving for some shopping!! thursthursthursthurs...
and argh...les just smsed me saying she hasn't done enuf work to have tuition..*shakes head*....hmmmmm..wonder how. and hey! i suddenly rem toa payoh..i want to go buy bag from there...got a nice bag i saw yest...but not really 'me'. and okie..i'm meeting les tmr for tuition instead..long long busy day again.
so mon, tues, wed long days. thurs shopping and fri...bday!!!! muahahahhaha..exciting wk. and hmmmm...are ppl really stressed recently?? y do i seem to end up arguing in a not very frenly fashion with matt and bug these days. i miss rubz!!!
...
went to give tuition just now...realised toa payoh hub is like freaking cool!! (feel like S when he saw aljunied)....but it's seriously freaking cool...can go shopping there one day (tt's wat S said abt aljunied too).
well...e freaking bus went such a long way...passed kallang area...made me thnk of S. it's exactly a wk after e event. a wk of drifting apart. i realise tt every cell in my body misses him. i want...his msn. bleahz.
...
i am upset...
tt u dun seem to care anymore.
tt i dunno how to proceed
tt things could have been so simple
tt i dare not ask for ur msn.
i guess....i will camp at e corridor...with my laptop..and i will shout hi to u when u pass...if u come over to chat...i will shun bian ask for ur msn bahz. but.....i want it..NOW.
...
i'm going to be 20. but i'm not sure tt tat is wat i want. i dun want to grow up and be a big gal sometimes. i want to stay young, stay simple, be able to be wilful when i want to.
yest so qiao. in gs rm..then yc was looking at insomni*c...then he pointed to H's pic and asked 'he's e pres??' i said 'yah' then yc said 'i tot he's e old pres' then i said 'nop' then yc said 'oh..e ex pres was S?' then i said 'yes'. then yc said 'S graduate le rite?' then i said 'nop..yr 3 now' then yc said 'oooo..so he's grad this yr?' then i said 'nop...going on for hons' yc asked 'wat's he majoring in? PS?' then i said 'nop...soci and psy. dunno y he can go for hons also. either dropping one or he's a double maj in e first place'
luckily kz came at this moment and we did saikang.
Why did i land myself in this situation may i ask. a situation whereby i noe too much abt them yet nothing abt how they feel and wat they're thinking.
i just want all these to settle down.
next part...
k ahz...must update on other things also.
i got this book from central lib...it looks utterly useful and slightly pornographic but not bad for JS proj..LOL...still reading it..muahahhahaha
my bday has a better venue now...ziming's place. but i fogot someting...i sworn off planning bday bbqs since a long time ago. so y am i doing this?????? argh. cannot stand. and i'm going to be 20....frightening tot.
okie ahz! no choice. go read e bk now..later got tuition..and hopefully i will think of something tt i can sms to either H or S...
=)
...
| the Asserter Test finished! |
| you chose AY - your Enneagram type is EIGHT.
"I must be strong"
Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective. How to Get Along with Me
What I Like About Being a Eight
What's Hard About Being a Eight
Eights as Children Often
Eights as Parents
The Enneagram Made Easy
|
...
H blogged again. apparently someone made him furious. din mention who...din mention how...based on his serious talk with S....and e fact tt i felt soooo scared to see H when i was near S....maybe he was angry with S for something S did (maybe got caught by speed camera on e van) or something. he did say tt he doesn't like ppl who repeat their mistakes and tt it will get everyone in trouble...sounds plausible given tt S sped so much his license is suspended. and tt may explain y S was MIA last nite..prob brooding over e thing or something
[Disclaimer: just a possibility with inferential evidence]
then quoting H: Vengeance can blind people indeed. (he ended his blog on munich e movie with tt final comment after a dividing line was drawn across)
vengeance can blind ppl indeed.................special mention of it. i wonder...where he came to be blinded by vengeance. revenge...for committing e mistake again? i doubt so.
vengeance...................
....
y are u not replying to me....
i feel happiest when i am with u. we click. yet lj's frens who were in ur com bash u like no one else's biz...bash u coz they say u're fake.
are u for real?
i can't help smiling when i describes our times together to lj...if we add it up..it's less than 24 hrs.
y......am i in such a weird predicament. when i dun even noe if it is illusionary.
...
perhaps...
i seriously dunno who i love.
today at abt 3+ i went to e clubrm coz S was supposed to pass me back my card. i am such a cock person!!! i went in...looked ard first and foremost for S and H. then i saw jas! felt a pressing need to talk to her abt e sponsor thing (impt k!!!) so i waved and started to walk over. S shouted 'KIT!! here!!' then i just made e wait signal to him and went to jas...S followed me with e card from e comfort of his sofa where he was. when he reached i was engrossed with jas and frankly i din even glance much at him (y am i so act cool when i like someone????? zzz). and he was really nice...first thing he asked was how's my stomach. goodness......melting. well. then H appeared behind us while S was asking abt my stomach...felt damn cock!!!!!!!!!!!! coz i told H too and well...it seems so.....me and S supposedly not even close. y did i tell him kinda thing. anyway i said my stomach's better and tried to avoid both their eyes. kept talking to jas....and then S just put e card in my hand. then i was so engrossed in reading e mail from espn tt i din realise tt S H left...when i was leaving e rm...was looking out for them. not there.
when i walked out...there they were. at e door. very serious and in deep conversation...very serious posture..i averted my eyes and scampered away. felt traumatised at e end of it.
i..........dunno who i love..more.
...
muahahahahhaa..i tot that since f***** is over...i can slack! but!!!!! no choice~ so much acad stuff..and although f***** is over...so much trouble with e sponsors and stuff. seriously ahz.....cmi. coz actually espn already agreed to feature us, then now they back out...so stuck betwn them and e sponsor...and i understand both their concerns..and just stuck as to how to proceed...so no choice!! jas will have to be the huai ren!! and yah lorz...and i haven't gotten my card back from S.
anyway now!! S and H are part of S.H.E. E is an arbitrary figure at present though. but they're quite nice! coz sianz. i got strickened with gastric and diarrhoea (and i learnt how to spell diarrhoea in the process. and yepz! so nice!! H said: Got see doc? take care k..dun skip any meals and rest well.. and S said: Haha..Dun eat diary products and seafood.. Then no more toilet trips for you liao'..so nice!! LOL. actually once in a while gd to fall sick..everyone so nice to u! LOL. thanks to everyone who has asked abt me! muahahahaha. incl. my dear who went with me to see doc, bc who asked me how i'm doing and told me for e 4th time tt i live near his gf!! matt for asking me like quite a few times how's my stomach and val and rubz for laffing at my 'swaying'! LOL. no choice.
anyway..yepz. gs meeting yest was quite funny coz...
1. i was swaying thru most of it..lucky had matt's ricola
2. there was a fair amt of bitching esp abt lj (during which kz was damn out-of-pt..shall elab later)...yah..complaints tt lj is quite uncontactable...LOL! hmmm!! y do i find him super-contactable?? muahahhahaa...he's always talking rubbish to me...we are e rubbishy ppl...at least he nvr ask me abt e movie thing again...and jo seems shocked tt i managed to get lj to go talk to her...
3. kz was so out of pt yest! and his post-mortem was like a full blown funeral!!!
4. jo finally wisened up and asked everyone to consider running for pres...tt's gd...i am more fang xin le...=)
yepz!!!!! okie ahz...no choice...one mod's proj is over...but more to come...argh...no choice! sem 2 is just suxy.
PS: where is S and my card?!!!!
PSS: sigh....i feel so happy crapping with S...but! everything is so tentative...not really close bahz! though we talk as if we are close...but i guess we're not...and now i dun even if who is in betwn who. is it me and H with S in betwn or me and S with H in betwn....funny...but somehow i feel as if it is e latter........argh. i dunno. time to ask wat i myself want. before i even think abt what they want..given tt tt is as big or bigger a mystery..LOL.
...
muahahahahhaa..i tot that since f***** is over...i can slack! but!!!!! no choice~ so much acad stuff..and although f***** is over...so much trouble with e sponsors and stuff. seriously ahz.....cmi. coz actually espn already agreed to feature us, then now they back out...so stuck betwn them and e sponsor...and i understand both their concerns..and just stuck as to how to proceed...so no choice!! jas will have to be the huai ren!! and yah lorz...and i haven't gotten my card back from S.
anyway now!! S and H are part of S.H.E. E is an arbitrary figure at present though. but they're quite nice! coz sianz. i got strickened with gastric and diarrhoea (and i learnt how to spell diarrhoea in the process. and yepz! so nice!! H said: Got see doc? take care k..dun skip any meals and rest well.. and S said: Haha..Dun eat diary products and seafood.. Then no more toilet trips for you liao'..so nice!! LOL. actually once in a while gd to fall sick..everyone so nice to u! LOL. thanks to everyone who has asked abt me! muahahahaha. incl. my dear who went with me to see doc, bc who asked me how i'm doing and told me for e 4th time tt i live near his gf!! matt for asking me like quite a few times how's my stomach and val and rubz for laffing at my 'swaying'! LOL. no choice.
anyway..yepz. gs meeting yest was quite funny coz...
1. i was swaying thru most of it..lucky had matt's ricola
2. there was a fair amt of bitching esp abt lj (during which kz was damn out-of-pt..shall elab later)...yah..complaints tt lj is quite uncontactable...LOL! hmmm!! y do i find him super-contactable?? muahahhahaa...he's always talking rubbish to me...we are e rubbishy ppl...at least he nvr ask me abt e movie thing again...and jo seems shocked tt i managed to get lj to go talk to her...
3. kz was so out of pt yest! and his post-mortem was like a full blown funeral!!!
4. jo finally wisened up and asked everyone to consider running for pres...tt's gd...i am more fang xin le...=)
yepz!!!!! okie ahz...no choice...one mod's proj is over...but more to come...argh...no choice! sem 2 is just suxy.
PS: where is S and my card?!!!!
PSS: sigh....i feel so happy crapping with S...but! everything is so tentative...not really close bahz! though we talk as if we are close...but i guess we're not...and now i dun even if who is in betwn who. is it me and H with S in betwn or me and S with H in betwn....funny...but somehow i feel as if it is e latter........argh. i dunno. time to ask wat i myself want. before i even think abt what they want..given tt tt is as big or bigger a mystery..LOL.
...
muahahahahhaa..i tot that since f***** is over...i can slack! but!!!!! no choice~ so much acad stuff..and although f***** is over...so much trouble with e sponsors and stuff. seriously ahz.....cmi. coz actually espn already agreed to feature us, then now they back out...so stuck betwn them and e sponsor...and i understand both their concerns..and just stuck as to how to proceed...so no choice!! jas will have to be the huai ren!! and yah lorz...and i haven't gotten my card back from S.
anyway now!! S and H are part of S.H.E. E is an arbitrary figure at present though. but they're quite nice! coz sianz. i got strickened with gastric and diarrhoea (and i learnt how to spell diarrhoea in the process. and yepz! so nice!! H said: Got see doc? take care k..dun skip any meals and rest well.. and S said: Haha..Dun eat diary products and seafood.. Then no more toilet trips for you liao'..so nice!! LOL. actually once in a while gd to fall sick..everyone so nice to u! LOL. thanks to everyone who has asked abt me! muahahahaha. incl. my dear who went with me to see doc, bc who asked me how i'm doing and told me for e 4th time tt i live near his gf!! matt for asking me like quite a few times how's my stomach and val and rubz for laffing at my 'swaying'! LOL. no choice.
anyway..yepz. gs meeting yest was quite funny coz...
1. i was swaying thru most of it..lucky had matt's ricola
2. there was a fair amt of bitching esp abt lj (during which kz was damn out-of-pt..shall elab later)...yah..complaints tt lj is quite uncontactable...LOL! hmmm!! y do i find him super-contactable?? muahahhahaa...he's always talking rubbish to me...we are e rubbishy ppl...at least he nvr ask me abt e movie thing again...and jo seems shocked tt i managed to get lj to go talk to her...
3. kz was so out of pt yest! and his post-mortem was like a full blown funeral!!!
4. jo finally wisened up and asked everyone to consider running for pres...tt's gd...i am more fang xin le...=)
yepz!!!!! okie ahz...no choice...one mod's proj is over...but more to come...argh...no choice! sem 2 is just suxy.
PS: where is S and my card?!!!!
PSS: sigh....i feel so happy crapping with S...but! everything is so tentative...not really close bahz! though we talk as if we are close...but i guess we're not...and now i dun even if who is in betwn who. is it me and H with S in betwn or me and S with H in betwn....funny...but somehow i feel as if it is e latter........argh. i dunno. time to ask wat i myself want. before i even think abt what they want..given tt tt is as big or bigger a mystery..LOL.
...
chongz was telling me today tt he is very sure tt H likes me coz of how he acted during f*****, esp e part when he walked off after i told him abt e sponsor and told me to go off with him. chongz says tt guys only do weird things like tt when they are erally jealous and peeved. imagine if H came up to me and i said tt someone i dun like is really cool coz she is so gd at something. i wld have told him something along e same line bahz 'since she is so zai...u go off with her lorz'.
suddenly...i dunno wat to do with regards to him. i said i wanted to give up, yet i realise tt perhaps as chongz had said his flirting with G and his being so nice to her is in a bid to make me jealous such that i will talk to him more and give him more attention. and perhaps finally on e 18th he realised tt it doesn't work and perhaps he saw how close i am to S...tt he started being nice to me...only to be met by my sms asking for S's number. how....irritating, bitchy, inconsiderate, insensitive can i be?
i dunno wat to do now..coz i dun want to end up a 'two-timer'....i was totally confused abt wat to do today and my phone was totally weird. it dailed S's number (prob coz i pressed e wrong button when viewing S's sms) i din realise it until 2 secs later when e call connected. then i had no choice! i put my mouth to e phone and said 'huh??? did i call u or did u call me?' then S said 'i think u called me' then we laff and laff and laff then i said 'okie ahz! i think my phone somehow called u' then we laff somemore...then we said bye. funny but e whole conversation was very comfy. as if it is super normal tt my phone shld decide to call him. as if it was expected. as if he was just waiting for it and i was just waiting for it. it's like.....water tt flows. it is easy for water to flow i guess..
for fire to burn...energy is required...and me and H, are sapping each other of energy
for water to flow....i feel a tranquility and peace tt i haven't felt for so long...
wat if in e end...i end up hurting one or both of them? but i do noe for one tt in e end...i will end up hurting myself..
...
i hope things work out this time. really. seriously. and next time, remind me to fall for someone who is constantly checking his hp!!! everytime i sms someone i like since sec 3....i have to wait like 500 yrs for a reply.
bleahz.
...
*beeps* red card *shows card in H's face* *does hand movts for rotation of player*.
H's mentor comes onto e field.
wth...madness.
yest it was e last straw. he watched as i did saikang for him. he said tt he only reps smses to impt ppl (told G). he came and sat next to me in e van...yet i din feel happiness. i felt pressure. pressure to speak to him. pressure to do so much. i simply felt like crying coz i realised tt there is no happiness when i carried e sound sys behind me..i just told myself cmi. when i cldn't find a single scissors or penknife in e rm and i was sobbing in e toilet i told myself 'no more.'
i was there crying in my heart as i tried to back out of e log trip. but BC says tt he got no manpower so i went along. e van ride did me a whole lot of gd....mostly coz i met stev. got to noe stev.
getting to noe stev. ST1101E
lect1: brief intro
lect2: saikang in 15mins. moved more than 300 100+ bottles, 250 newater bottles 700 mags, 150 shirts an many more boxes of random stuff. why i move so fast?? i nvr. i din carry a single bottle of 100+. he carried all of it. while i carry 12 bottles of newater he carries 36. while i carry 40 mags he carries 100. e reason y? he keep asking me to take a lightest stuff claiming he'll forget them while he takes as much as he can so tt i have less to try to take. =) and he keeps telling me to take less. how sweet lahz then when we were done...we experimented with diff ways to utilizing e sofa in resting. LOL...tested diff positions then we realised tt e sofa as a pillow is e best for tired flushed ppl like us and talked rubbish in gen e.g. e way he walks...he nvr realiesd tt he gave everyon e ewrong impression. when BC and G came back from their meeting...they had a gigantic shock. like how did e tihngs get up e stairs. then while BC and G walked to e coffee shop...stev told me dun walk. and he drove us tt 20 steps there. when we reached....he came over to e back and offered me his subway cookie. his fav subway doub choc cookie. LOL. then i said we can share e cookie so we did. then he was saying tt if BC has a conscience he wld get us a drink. i said BC mei you liang xing one! then stev got off e van and made a speech to BC abt how hard we worked and got BC to get me and him a drink.
lect3: driving skills. totally rox. his license is suspended. he drives a van at 100km/hr, blasting 933 and smoking. imagine u are a driver...u see a N*SSU van behind u blasting music with a smoking driver who is speeding. anyway he is cool. if i once said tt H's eyes speak, stev's hands speak.
lect4: we delivered food to boy'stown from gala. i like e feeling of him driving me ard. wonderful feeling. guess i found someone who really is more zai than me in everything. i learnt so much watching how he interacts with ppl. his 'boss' and thumbs up.
okie..so now 18th March:
1. saw stev again....he always seems to need help but all for small small bite-size stuff...feel gd doing them e.g. taking his shirt for him, cordoning off an area he has marked out with cones. feels nice whenever he ruffles my hair, pats my head, says thanks, gives me e thumbs up sign coz i feel tt he means it.
2. he patted my head and draped his arm ard my shoulder for awhile. random! LOL
3. he is e best ref ever. firm, decisive. after his 5th match he told me tt he finds it hard to give e red card and he hasn't given it yet...then i asked if hes scared tt someone will beat him up and he said ni just tt he's not hen xing enuf. after our little chat, he gavea red card. just, firm, fair. zai! i am glad tt i am a positivve influence.
4. he knocked his head on e van. i was e most gan cheong. i as e first to go over to hold his head a lil, ask him how he is...got e medic..got e newater to pour over his head and got him a chair even. he kept saying thanks.
5. he took my chicky club card!
he is sooooo cute!!
and he and H both very random...think it's hereditary. passed on with e position. stev was random in his arm ard my shoulder thing...H is random as in random....from 6.30am to 3pm he ignored me...and suddenly from 3pm, he gave me so much attention.
3pm: K walking towards a box to put envelopes into a box. at that area there are two boxes. Stev was walking towards K. suddenly! H walked over to and said hi to K. and asked 'how have u been doing?' in a very soft tone. K was totally stunned. H walked off after K said tt e sponsor is nice and not angry with e club anymore since she bought him a drink and he gave her drinks back. H said 'then u follow him off lor' and H walked off. like wth. then he kept staring at me. glared at me when i shook e sponsor's hand. stared at me and kept smiling as i helped pass e prizes to be presented. stared at me while i was discussing with e rest how i'm going home and said bye to me when i passed him.
stev. H. who do i love more. funny tt i noe H for 3 mths le...and stev for less than 3 days. yet.......from 17th till 19th (today)....i've experienced such happiness. it's not a giddy kinda happiness....it's a blissful kind. e feeling tt i am well looked, tt even if e sky is to collapse...u wld prop it up for me.
but bug is rite too. H is prob unable to balance both tt detached working r/s with watever other views/tots he has with regards to me..can i judge him when he is simply not ready?
i guess it all boils down to their courses of action.
...
...
everything i do...somehow....i did it for u. watching u being so close to other gals...sometiems i feel like e little kindess u show me are acts of pity.
today i noe u got me newater. i noe u got everyone to come out to help me. u helped me pack e bags as well. i noe u did things. i just dunno if i am e reason or i am simply part of e process. when J made me go do his work for him. u kept quiet and signed e apprec letter which i had to pass to e sponsor. u promptly went to sleep after tt. wat does tt mean? tt u dun want to see me being zai? dun want to see me being pushed ard by ur ppl...or.....wat does it mean.
an ambiguity in my life. qns i will nvr noe e ans to.
sometimes i wish u wil just ask me to take a walk with u..and tell me there and then tt u dun like me. yet....i noe tt perhaps u are not even thinking abt e qn. i seriously dunno wat to say. ur nonchalance is a sign tt u dun love me. whether or not u want to accept me...i am an idealist...i want u to love me.
maybe i shld ask mr kkl for help. though i think he quite big-mouth! LOL. ask kkl to ask H join e MC lehz. i wonder......where H will go from here.
...
i noe tt i am quite useless...in terms of trying to forget H.
and i noe tt i appear too zai. guys usu like gals who are less capable than them.
today...i got us TV coverage. like...simply amazing.
i did 4 hrs of solo booth duty
i got 1 team pending and 2 teams to sign up.
i noe tt was i walk in and out of e rm. u think to urself tt i am crazy..tt i am zai. i noe tt u prob told everyone to tell me to close e booth..but i wldn't do it. charm, beng both told me can close...H walked e corridor like 4 times..and asked me once per trip y i'm alone..we spoke alot of random stuff too. ALOT ALOT dun rem e detailed conversation.
i realise tt once i let him out of my sight...i feel like i thoroughly miss him...evey cell in my body screams for my legs to bring me near him. tt's not a gd sign. i read his blog. he said tt ha has 2 big descions to make. e first is abt hall. e 2nd is abt something tt will alter his future. he said tt it'sa new qn, so it's not e discourse on hons vs bach. wat else can alter his future. tt is exciting. whether to join young pap! LOL. me????? he said tt e qn will remain at e back of his mind...for now. so prob not pap. or he wld have joined le. LOL.
a million thanks to D who is here for me. no matter wat.i was so tired today when i saw him. drained, stressed. he din reproach me. din ask me anything..was just there next to me. when i was locking up after session..he was there behind me, speaking to me softly, telling me tt i can walk first and i noe tt he doesn't want me to be e last to leave. yet, i stepped back and asked him to walk out first (sometimes maybe gal too zai not a gd thing) i tried to lock e door and fail..he laffed next to me. when we were walking off...he mentioned tt i seem quite tired. i am. coz i love H...and not him. maybe things wld be diff if e person is diff.
...
my emotional rollercoaster ride.
i was complaining to val abt H when ta-dum he called..speak of e devil.
H: hi kit
kit: hi H.
H: er.....
kit: yah?
H: er...u wanted to tell me something yest?
kit: yah.(rambles on abt e booth thing)
H: i saw ur email..
kit: actually i'm in a lect now..can u sms me?
H: yah...sure..anyway....
kit responds to his anyway. he responds to her response. a conversation continues. until val told me tt i am too loud..LOL. so i said i would call him back..he said sure.
e funnier parts:
H: i saw e website
kit: how was it?
H: er...it's seems like e tattoos are very professional
kit: uh-huh...e webbie scary rite?
H: no lahz...er...it's not scary, just abit...
kit: scary?
H: er...erm..yah..it IS scary...
we laff. tt was when val interjected to say tt i'm abit loud..LOL.
after tt..when i called him back..we were still crapping. he suddenly asked me in a low voice if e person i am liaising with is an ah beng..wth...y do u bother if e sponsor is an ah beng?? super funny. then i was telling him abt e hokkein conversation backgrd..damn funny.
then we were conspiring something too..muahahahaha. damn fun! i love H. =)
but then! tt also equated to me pasting posters at engine till 10pm tonite, having 4 hrs of booth duty tmr, having made vouchers for a sponsor and realising tt i got allocated soooo much duty on e actual day. booth reg=me. goodie bags=me. fringe prog=me (somemore i am in charge of playstation station alone...as if i noe anything abt e game). lastly....i got sabo-ed to pass e prizes tt would be presented to e participants. u noe wat...tt is ultimate sabo since it has nothing to do with my jobscope and i am e only prize passer. do i mind?? NOP! i love tt job...coz i'll be passing them to H who will be giving them out. =) bring on e prizes manz!! i will be e happiest prize passer alive.
....
i shall just blog e facts. open to any intepretation i guess...i myself can offer two...
0745: i was in sch...outside MPSH waiting...for AC ppl to come so tt we can set up booth...being alone, i took out m laptop and was compiling my mkting list.
0815: i called e gal in charge of booth duty..she told me very directly 'i dunno anything...call ning' i told her to pass me ning's number
0830: (serious...15 mins later) she finally sent me ning and E's numbers. i called ning...no answer. i called E...he said 'why dun u go set up e booth urself?'. i turned ard while i was on e phone..i saw e PD of Acamp. wah liew! he walked off. to think we are promoting his camp at e booth. he din even come to help when his name is on e freaking set-up list. like wth. so! i went to set up e booth. like thanks. i hate being alone somemore
0845: there's this other gal! but she dunno anything abt AC, abt e proj, completely nothing. i cldn't leave her alone..i got briefing at 9 with CSC. Ning called me back. she just woke up. but she promised to take a cab down and can reach slightly after 9. so i had to call toon and told her tt i'll prob be a bit late. i waited. felt damn horrible then...coz i asked myself y i'm doing all these. for wat. so i smsed H. i said in e sms 'it is upsetting that i am doing all this shit for ur club. it is made depressing by the reason y i am doing it'. i dunno y i felt so emotional..but i was tearing at e booth..and coz i din want to freak e gal out since we're e only 2 living souls in e whole hall...i went to e toilet and was sobbing inside. i went back...plastered on a smile and tried to be happier.
1000: ning strolled in. i was slighted peeved. but not angry. y? bcoz i dun expect anything from her. i just wanted to do a gd job in watever for H. i dun care if she does a gd job. i was going off..she asked to borrow my laptop to show dvds to e visitors...i said okie although i wanted it to do mkting. but nvm! i noe they need it...i'm doing it for who? for H.
1000: was sooooo depressed partly coz he hasn't replied my sms...went and met up with my csc peepz. at least tt was fun. me, shan, F, KL, RH (aka sock's fren's crush) went and grabbed e freebies. F was so funny i filmed him with my new phone...while he grabbed alot of rubbish even flyers he also super enthu abt grabbing. then everyone kept asking KL to go further away coz he looks so not fresh...anyway it was fun...i kept reminding them abt projecting a positive image of csc though...given tt prez vp volunteer mngment head all there grabbing stuff. correct i was supposed to be doing booth duty. but if ur prez and vp go grab freebies and u are invited..of coz go grab lahz! no one will scold u..LOL
1100: started duty!!! getting ppl to give us their names so tt we can update them on e camp. response was okie i guess.
1200: H replied. he said: You ok? Whats wrong….?
i replied and said tt i'm okie...just abit displeased with some of his ppl
then he said: Huh? Not happy with who?..and wat did they do?
then i told him abt ning and my long wait.
he said:
I am sorry about that..it has been a tough week for us and we all havent been sleeping much..esp ning,who have been spendin e past3 days since thurs building e booth stuff,n organizing everythin behind e scenes..it hasn’t been easy for her As well..but still I understand she shouldn’t have been late,n She shouldn’t have left you all waiting just like tat..has she apologized to you? I m sorry bout this. [3 sms long….]
~note tt i got pissed here. somehow...when i was at CSC...i looked down at e booth and thought to myself. so she is tired and i am not so i deserve to wait for her? i also haven't slept much wat. so these ppl are his angels. i am just some person insulting his angels? i just felt angry and extremely upset. but somehow. in e end...last nite i tot to myself. he did ask if she apologized. was tt a sign tt he's willing to make his angels apologize to me? which is something he nvr does. coz to him...his angels are always right. it's like to me, if someone told me back in j2 tt yy is wrong..i will just tell tt person tt yy must have her reasons and she is stressed and tt THAT person shld go talk to yy and hear yy explain her actions. so is tt a gd sign? given tt he is always scolding ppl who even as much as whisper something bad abt his angels as documented on his blog.
anyway i replied tt ning apologized (though it's a lie) and it's okie and tt i feel better le coz of e crazy freebies grabbing with csc mngment com...and he said: Haha ok..really sorry k.i m hundred percent sure ning didn’t mean it..Haha ok hope you enjoy e freebies eh
1400: went back to AC booth. ning kept apologizing! i din realise it till last nite tt she turned super apologetic. does tt mean tt he told her to apologize more? coz abit retarded to not apologize till 4 hrs later then keep apologizing..LOL. after repeating how depressed i am 3 times...i realised that!
1600: i wanted to go off...i asked C for my laptop back since ning was sleeping. C ignored me and just kept watching e dvd tt was playing. so i said it rather loudly and fiercely. then C said 'but i nvr bring my laptop' i was in a bad mood then and wanted to say: so? is tt my fault or urs? nvr bring=ur prob lah. but i just stood there and looked murderous..then E came and took out e dvd...and he tried to make small talk to soften my expression. not very effective man. so i took my stuff..said bye to ning so tt she won't think i'm angry and left e rm to do mkting outside.
1630: e tattoo shop sponsor called me and asked for a booth on e actual event. i tot to myself. of coz cannot lahz...unbefitting of e AC image and vision and everything. i called beng. told him abt it..he said okie can but try to squeeze for more money. i was like wth. can't he think abt things on a more macro scale? instead of just in terms of dollar sign. then i called H. he missed e call. usu after he miss my call he will call me back. he didn't yest. then i called bobz to ask him to add on e logo to our pub material. he said 'u have to do it..i am busy with PR' i wanted to tell him off. coz his job title says 'Pub n PR' not 'Pub OR PR (one at a time)'. anyway i said fine. then nicely J arrowed me work too. he said he will send me e writeups..he has yet to. he said would send me last nite.still waiting.
anyway. so at 10pm i being considerate tot to myself he must be busy now...so i smsed 'hey H...call me back when u are free anytime tonite k? i need to ask u something abt f*****' then he replied this super callous sms: Can check with beng yr pd first? Dun need to everything go directly to me
to clarify: i nvr everything also go to him. this is e FIRST f***** thing tt i am asking him abt. and i have checked with beng. but nvm...i just felt terrribly misunderstood and since i had been tearing e whole day...i started crying till unstoppably.
then i replied with e whole reason y i am asking him...he din reply for half an hr. so i smsed him again saying tt i will take tt as a he has no comments and go ahead with beng's idea. then he replied: You are acting weirdly today..
i had no idea y he said tt...but reflecting back yest at 2am..i realised tt perhaps he expected a more informal interaction with me and not my do things must fast and zai style of leadership. anyway so i replied w/o realising tt asking wat;s weird...then he said:
I wasn’t looking at my hp just now at all..was watchin football..if you have details of e tattoo shop pls email to me first..i want to know what they arecoming in with for f***** in exchange for e booth on the actual day.more details bout wat e shop is about,n also whose contact was it As well.thanks
so i emailed him.
postscript: i din understand it then...but cld it be tt i was too emotive and didn't consider e implications and reasons behind his words? like telling me to check with beng. i took it at face value tt it's a brush off. yet cld it be tt he was stressed and din want to be seen as always backing me up esp after e ning incident coz it was prob a big step for him to admit his angel was wrong and to perhaps tell her to apologize more. i really dunno. and when he said tt i was acting weirdly...does tt mean tt he wants something more informal? does it mean that he has a conception of wat is normal? tt wld mean tt he now thinks he noes me better. usu we dun tell ppl that they are behaving weirdly unless 1. we noe them very well (which he doesn't) 2. tt person scolds u (which i didn't) 3. u like e person....
i think.
okie..off to sch. may see him later. somehow..i feel optimistic abt things yet pessimstic at e same time...weird. crazy. tt's me..muahahahha
...
amazing. after a detailed analysis of e structure of pt computation.e PD would pass e list of com members to secretary who will split e work betwn herself, e P and e VP. given tt i dunno e VP at all n e sec and me ain't close, just hi-bye frens....there's only one person left thru pure elimination who has e vested power to give me pts. i smsed this very person and told him tt i got pts for events tt i did not partake in and i listed e events. he said 'Huh ? Izzit Haha..k i will make changes'. somehow my gut feeling told me tt he replied too fast, no shock involved as if he had already planned e response. i replied saying tt i noe he is busy and if he told me who keyed in e pts for e specific events i can approach e person. he din reply. does tt mean.....tt he wanted me to have e pts..just as bug and jy have tried to convince me was e only logical reason?
i gave up 9 pts to test him out. no regrets...since they cap e pts at 40 for clubs/socs category and i have 53 pts...53 will be reflected as 40. 53-9=44 also reflected at 40. anyway rabbit called me just now and asked for my mat number...more pts dying to get into my acct. seriously..AC shldn't have wasted e bonus pts on me..since only 10% of all e ppl can get bonus pts. their MC has 15 dedicated ppl le...dun think they have a total of 150 ppl even if i add up all their manpower of all projs..always e same ppl ard mahz. tt means tt H gave me tt bonus pt over his own MC mem??
bug is rite...he did so much shit...nvr sleep..do overnite...in e end...he only got 3 pts from e club. i think..and i noe tt e world is unfair..a soc pres after a one yr term gets 8 pts...so do i just by being e head of a cell for an event tt e club labels as 'major'.
i really miss H...and i really love H. and thus, i cannot accept rubbish pts. coz e boundary betwn me loving him as a person vs me loving him for his power and position will be blurred. my greatest fear is perhaps tt i will realise one day tt i nvr loved him but e image tt i imposed on him..
pls...let it not be an error...but let it be an intentional slip on ur part...=S
...
in lect now..LOL...sianz...guess i am just distracted. doing so much mkting tt i can die man..but somehow i just feel like it's okie, more worth it bahz.
he called me yest..so funny. i was standing at e booth, then beng asked if me and yun have H's number...so i said i have. =) so beng asked me to ask him abt something. i called him from e clubrm and he din pick up e call...then i smsed him what i wanted to ask. official stuff..then at 5+ i caled again coz no choice..since i need him to confirm by 6 (office hrs..call sponsor). then he nvr pick up also. so rite..i tot forget it..since i smsed le mahz.
at 6.15 he called me and said sorry he missed my call and asked me y i called..then i tot 'diaoz..i sms le mahz..he can just reply.' but! he called me back..so nice!! then i just repeated e sms to him..then i think he's really really not tt forceful a leader esp over e phone..coz i kept drifting out of his train of thought for some reason...everytime also liddat..talk to him over e phone my mind keeps drifting...and in fact he comments tt most ppl are like tt in his blog..damn funny. anyway...so yah..after i repeated wat was said in my sms, he said okie..then i said i got to go do something le..then there was a pause on his side (reason not known =) ) then he said take care and said bye...wheeeeee.
rox.
..
| the Adventurer Test finished! | ||
| you chose AX - your Enneagram type is SEVEN.
"I am happy and open to new things"
Adventurers are energetic, lively, and optimistic. They want to contribute to the world. How to Get Along with Me
What I Like About Being a Seven
What's Hard About Being a Seven
Sevens as Children Often
Sevens as Parents
Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele The Enneagram Made Easy
You are not completely happy with the result?! You chose AX Would you rather have chosen: | ||
| Link: The Quick and Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test |
...
argH!! can die...BC pushing us quite hard for mkting...cmi. anyway yah lorz...so i am calling up ppl to sponsor stuff now..like super random ppl..LOL. anyway...i have to liaise with him regarding one of e sponsors...
muahahahhahaha. no choice! and he is a bad mkting exec *shakes head* coz he nvr pick up call or reply sms...think phone not with him bahz...watever is he doing?? anyway...yest i smsed him in e afternoon...a 'take care' sms...those fwd kind..he replied at 3am saying 'hey thanks for e msg today..i had a really really long day, and i just reached hone only..goodnight! :)'
note!
1. he rem my msg at e end of e day
2. he thanked me for it! meaning tt it's not irritating! and tt he appreciates it coz fwd msg can ignore de mahz
3. he told me abt his day aka. grumbling aka complaining..we dun grumble to just abt anyone!
4. he wants me to noe tt he had a really really long day...he loves to tell me tt he has long days..dunno y...
5. he said goodnite...=)
okie...i am crazy. tt helped make me a lil happier...coz today i asked myself wat if i really dun love him as much as i tot...then wat would i do havin advanced so far into e spaces of his life. then i went meet sponsor..and realised tt e station is just one station after boon keng station. hopefully this will be a sign tt he'll be e next stop..=)
...
when things get confusing...how do u sort out e relations?
anyway i have reached a conclusion...2219 sux. but funny..fate works in e weirdest way...now i'm doing e lab with benben...and his grpmate is yuan. so somehow in my extended grp..yuan's in it...so funny..but lab sux...now me and yuan waiting for benben to tell us e answers..sianz. lab sux! and i realised tt me and yuan know how to do e same qns! like hello...he's supposed to be a M0Eta phy geographer..cmi..LOL..benben...do faster!!
and sianz also..this wk i din get to give tuition..my tuition is so erractic..it's just crazy. and goodness i am still traumatised over e jogging, movie and glad i came along comments...made by LJ. die. so sianz!!! i am rotting at home..and i dare not chat with LJ. and i realised tt tmr i cannot do my lab during any part of e day coz i have 2 tutorials..1 AC thing and 2 lects. i think tt we must be smarter! alliance with benben and yuan grp then we can just change e names and submit 2 labs with similar answers..i can change e phrasing of e answers...LOL...muahahahahha...3 M0Eta scholars involved in cheating and plagiarism...well done. i think e photo with 3 of us will look weird. benben e dinosaur, kitty e crazy mastermind and benben e beggar looking person
cmi lahz..stupid lab. i wonder if mel e blurrest gal alive would like to join our alliance..=)
PS: it's great to noe such cool m0eta ppl whom u can 'work' with..=P
...
maybe i am expecting too much...maybe u are simply too busy. i see u fighting war after war...i watch...i wish to help, but there is only so much i can do. if anyone ask me now whether i want to one day be in ur position, i will give a firm shake of my head. i noe u are zai. i noe u can handle this. i noe u can do alot. i noe in e end..u will say it's worth it. bug's right and i noe it..u're not smiling at me now, not waving coz u are not a happy H u shld be..u threw ur happiness away temp to fight these wars...i can only choose to be a grim soldier...standing behind me...no matter how far behind i am..i just want u to noe tt i am behind u.
i think i will try to pluck up enuf courage to call him at 7 and let him noe tt i am right behind him..and ask if he's okie.
i'm so obsessed over his not saying hi to me...that i din notice till bug told me tt he's just unhappy. bug says tt he usu looks pissed this day and looks like he just got out of fights. so does tt mean that his bothering to stare at me is already a gd sign in itself?
...
all i ever wanted was for u to smile and say hi...yet i lost it.
all i ever wanted was for u to tell me i've done a gd job...yet u nvr noticed my efforts.
all i ever wanted was for u to talk to me about your day...yet u nvr gave me this chance.
all i ever wanted was to be next to u...yet....tt seems harder than scaling mt. E.
somehow...i cannot close e gap betwn us. i can joke with half e ppl in e rm today, yet i cannot get u to smile at me. how ironic...when u're e only one in e rm tt matters. i can smile at strangers and make frens with them in just 60 seconds...yet after 60 seconds of being in front of u...i can only resign myself to e silence tt permeates every pore of my being. i live in a noisy world. a happy world. yet, when i see u....e noise dies too...my heart thumphs then it stops dead...coz e overwhelming silence simply engulfs it. tell me...just tell me, wat went wrong. i want to sms u and ask u...wat's wrong. yet, i'm treading on ice and i have no idea how thick it is...wat if i moved and i fell right through? i'm standing on ice. trying to guess e thickness of it. i guess only u noe...u betray no sign or indication of my position. not at all..but seriously....wat can i sms u abt?
...
haven't been updating much...i'll just touch on a few things (note tt i sound formal coz i just did like 2 acad proj write-ups and 2 mkting letters..LOL. no choice)
1. H. okie..e inevitable of most of my posts. i somehow felt that his eyes lost tt light...when i used to see him..i felt his eyes communicating with me...yet now, i look in and i see darkness. nothing there for me. no twinkle..got me quite sad for a while..but i reasoned tt since he's sounded happy to hear my voice over e phone...bothered to ask ard to get me e spanner tt i needed and noticed me when i poked my head into e clubrm and stopped me before i left coz i din see me...tt's not a bad sign exactly. dunno. maybe i am too sensitive..but e eyes matter to me. anyway...i think die! i got telepathy with him or something...i knew that some time ago when i noe exactly when he will step out of e rm and when he will appear at e corridor..sometimes down to e exact position where he will be as i walk pass..but yest was just freaky. examples
(a) i knew i would see him during booth duty and that he would be talking on e phone outside e rm. indeed he was pacing ard outside e rm most of e time. guessed tt he'll be in black long sleeves. he was. and e freaky part is...i've nvr seen him wear that shirt before
(b) i knew tt he would ask GJ abt e spanner. dun ask me how i knew given tt i dunno GJ personally nor do i noe tt he's in charge of e tools. when i called him i just knew he would ask GJ. and when i saw him...i got e shirt right again. green this time
(c) freakiest of all...one can argue tt duh he will go to e rm and tt he has alot of phonecalls and maybe i overheard tt GJ is in charge of tools and rem sub-consciously..pt C is just freaky. i was leaving sch on e green shirt day, rubz wanted to go eat prata. i had this strong feeling tt H would be there conducting a meeting at e cheese prata stall. i looked at rubz, wanted to go and said 'cannot ahz..got dinner at home!' LOL!! but i really wanted to go...i think if in e end, xr and rubz decided on prata i would have wanted to follow them. anyway so i got onto e bus...peered at e area..when e bus passed e prata stall i almost fainted. he was there, head of e table, conducting a meeting.
no more needs to be said..LOL. i knew i wldn't run into him today...knew last nite, but i still went down for duty...coz doing with jj mahz! LOL..and it did turn out to be fun..my intuition rox. i think i really must think e palmistry master...he made me realise it..therefore leading to my maximising of it now. anyway pt to note abt H. when i was having meeting in e rm tt day he was on e phone in e rm during e meeting. yest he was on e phone outside e rm. therefore he din leave out of courtesy...so does tt mean he wanted to see me?? =)
okie...pt 2.
2. getting to noe AC ppl..they're actually quite nice and frenly. had fun crapping with jj, Char, Bob, rabbit yan yh and ben(1)ben(1) and this guy whose name i dunno..and got to noe this cute guy..LOL..okie, he looks cute and has cute mannerisms...he was like getting donations then he was completely blocking everyone and saying things like 'donate mahz...u look like u're carrying alot of things but i can help u carry while u take out ur money!' 'lai ma...donate to e SG heart foundation and ur heart will be up there' kinda lame things..LOL..i think most of e ppl tt donated did it coz he's blocking them and looks like a lil boy asking for candy. anyway then i was quite sianz of giving flyers and yan ask me help her get donations coz i am zai at getting ppl's money as seen from previous exps with me..LOL..then cute guy named C was saying tt we can block everyone by standing together and extending our arms. so funny..then he looked so happy tt i am helping him...he's just cute. then i said he got e face tt says tt he always block ppl...serious! then talking alot of random rubbish...he asked wat's my name and he told me his name and we shook hands. yea! new fren. potential new crush after i get over H. bleahz.
3. this is a sad thing..saw A on e bus today..he said tt he wants to get a gf..which shocked me...i prefer a gay A. just sad. stay gay!! LOL..anyway i did tell him tt it's fine to be gay..given tt RH from comservice was in front of us..he must have been traumatised..LOL...somemore on e bus A was like next to me and taking up alot of space and nudging me...i bet RH must be REALLY traumatised..i may have to counsel him soon..i realised tt he was walking rather quickly away from us..LOL.
4. i work damn fast for acad stuff manz..and i realised tt i am doing so much mkting now tt i am reaping econs of scale..LOL..just ask one sponsor abt all ur events. super EOS. ppl ard me so stressed sia esp matt. short fuse these days..everytime we talk he at least says one mean thing..LOL. but no choice!! we must all jiayou. and i realised tt i am a mean person today! coz i was on e bus and this woman was speaking loudly abt how she has no time to finish her work in office..then i glared at her w/o realising it...coz i was thinking tt tt would just mean tt she has to work faster lahz!!! cannot reduce work, cannot extend e number of hrs she has..only one option wat..work faster..LOL..i am a mean slavedriver.
5. bazaar. okie..GS bazaar went okie though we din make much money. i was going to scold H for not giving us 2 chairs, but he replied to my sms w/o me noeing it...and he went for e palmistry reading after my encouragement..and he promised to give me a chair at 4pm...e chair arrived before 4. it was fun getting to noe cl and zy and lj better..esp lj..glad tt i could be there when he was feeling vexed and tt he can confide in me which is rather weird also..since he suddenly told me like something quite serious tt he wanted to keep private at tt time...LOL..i got a shock man. anyway i am just approachable for ppl who need to talk..muahahaha. and yepz..kudos to non-gs ppl who helped aka merv and D...=). my befrenders are all so nice..LOL. sadly i forgave BG. though i was pissed when he said in his own words..exact words 'u can have me as much as u want now' sounded so zzzzz. i glared at him anyway. and said 'i dun want u. i just want ur mkting' which resulted in an awkward silence
6. i miss H. but i realise tt perhaps it's gd to maintain a dist for now as well since e light in his eyes are gone for watever reason. i found a reason to help AC now..for e ppl whom i can click with now. hence, at least i am not doing everything for him..now i'm doing it for jy, jj, yh, yan, bob, char, ben(1) ben(1), BC, rabbit and i noe tt they appreciate it. oh yah..i failed to mention tt i joined Owk prog cell and and proj 6 mkting. erm..yah! LOL...pls dun scold me for being overly-involved. wheeee. anyway i realised too tt my love life is abit complicated and i've been ignoring e complications in it...maybe i shld start clearing some of e existing mess soon..before it interferes with stuff.
from memoirs of a geisha: do u realise that every step i take is to bring me closer to you?
(at tt time when i heard it..i tot of corn..now, i think of H..as well)