heez
除非这样子能保证 你挽回
got tt from a sammi cheng song....quite relevant to my feelings this moment...i cannot give up everything for da...becoz i am too strong...i cannot be depressed forever. self-indulgent pity is not for me...i am still e best. =p even if u dun appreciate it.
Anyway...sometimes i wonder wat is running thru e minds of ppl ard me..like
1) cleaner auntie...she has a daughter and she tells me tt e things i have are cute and how she wish her daughter cld have them too...i think auntie is such a nice woman and she must love her daughter a lot....she wants e best for her...but cannot afford it...kinda sad...somemore today she wanted to take half day off since her daughter sick...jesty won't even let her go when jesty herself will go off to buy ice cream or just disappear...i bet when ryan (her nephew) is sick...she will rush off...sometimes e world is unfair.
2) jesty...seems like her hobby is scolding ppl...i wonder y...is it a masking of inner insecurities...she treats her nephew like her own son...guarding him selfishly...bringing him out...calling him to ask him to drink more water....i wld hate to have a sister like tt...in her conversations...she nvr mentions e mother of ryan...e loneliness of a careerwoman...i see jesty as my alterego...e me to avoid...she is similar to me and i do admire some things abt her...but no doubt she leads a sad life of unreal relationships...of which there is only one true one she holds tenaciously to...
3) e vagrant i saw on my way home...cars were moving quickly...heavy traffic...cargo trucks...he doesn't even glance in e direction of traffic...just walks ahead seemingly with a death wish...wat is he thinking?? is his life so wasted...he believes it's worth nothing. no one will shed a tear??
i cannot spend my whole life waiting for u...my life will be super sad...i am not like some ou xiang ju person who can wait forever for e same person...coz reality is not a drama whereby e protagonist comes back...reality has taught me tt waiting forever will prob be e outcome. i am selfish. i will be happy. with or w/o u. Treat tt as me fulfilling ur wish for u...and for everyone who wishes me happiness
hmmm
i cannot let go of my life and allow it to spin out of control as a reaction to ur life...i can if u promise tt u will always be here to catch hold of me when i rant and rave when i am out of control. but u cannot be here. coz u and i are not meant to be. in a simple sms...i can tell easily how lil u love me. Thank you for allowing me to wake up from any hope i may cherish...i will stand up upon my feet again becoz u have forced me to.
it is true...it is a greater bliss to have someone love u more than u love him. it is sometimes just too draining for me to delve into r/s one after another...
Somwhere...i will find
the one for me
anticipating, hoping that the
romantic encounters we
share would last for eternity.
perhaps...he would be somewhere out there
i would recognize him by the
ring he bears...
a ring of such simplicity...a ring tt wld symbolize our
Love.
Heez...came up with tt in like 2 mins?? power house. it's a riddle...see how can find e ring...it's somewhere in orchard...cost less than 5 bucks...i believe in fate. i decide to walk away...and i pray tt fate wld whisk me away from e road i am in now...and present me to e one i am meant to accept...e one i am meant to love. this feels abit like Lord of e Rings...and i nvr had much to do with tt bk/show...but watever it is...let's check wat fate has in store...before i shape my destiny...perhaps it will be one and e same
hurt.
1) you.
2) yy
3) ting
4) mt
5) stro
6) stoner
and perhaps u noe...perhaps u dun...number 1 to 3 are e main reasons. WELL...u had to scold me. i dun understand y u were in ur foul mood...but i noe tt if u wanted to hurt something someone real bad...u picked a gd target coz e more someone loves u...e deeper will be e hurt.
i am not angry...i just just hurt beyond words...but yest...when u apologized...it was a big plaster. i dun noe if i shld thank u for apologizing...i dunno anything now...a gaping wound...i think ur plaster is still not big enuf.
things at ch oir are at such a state where i am helpless...i noe u are too...u seem to be doing exactly wat i wld do and am doing. talking to everyone to try to placate them. it's amazing watching u run ard...doing tihngs i wld do...saying things i wld say...esp when i am next to u...trying to say e same thing at e same time to e same ppl and standing in e same way. i noe now tt i dun regret having fought for ur post. coz i noe tt u are doing well enuf. my genes ahz...lol
i realised tt i dun like arguing with my frens over things...even if i am trying to justify something...think i am evolving.
i love u. u hurt me. have i ever hurt u too?? u said lalala..deep down...i hope i have...bcoz hurt can only occur if u feel something for someone.
jigsaw puzzle
love is like tt...u think someone MUST be e one for u...u keep forcing e pieces together...sometimes in puzzles...e wrong pieces and fit with enuf force...but they are in an awkward position.....y hurt ourselves by staying in such uncomfortable positions....isn't sliding into tt perfect fit alot better??
tt's e prob with humans. we believe we noe best. but probably........we dun. Life is like dramatic irony...e chars (ourselves) nvr noe e end...so we live Life moment by moment...e audience (angels?? ppl deceased??) watch us and may noe our eventual fate...and guess wat...e scriptwriter (fate? God??) decides e sequence of events.....
i really dunno wat i want. like hello?????? but i noe one thing. he must be romantic. heez
hmmmm
Romancing Singapore indeed.
Cynical me. lol...no choice. a criteria for love. a pragmatic approach. a comfortable path...wat happened to overcoming obstacles?
bad mood.
so many interviews...how to work like this. yet i dun want to quit...like this job..yet i won't sacrifice interviews for it. it's afterall my future. totally conflicting. a trade-off must be made. i'll hate it if tt day comes. cannot really conc on work now...all this interview stuff weighing on my mind. awkwrd to ask for leave.
i really love u so much i won't believe it if u say u dunno. yet, do i have e courage to tell u in ur face? e trepidation of rejection is an odd mix with e anxiety to let u noe..to let u see to let u understand. so many scenes to make me think u feel something. yet so many to let me thnk u dun. Well u idiot....i hate to say this. but perhaps i said e truth during e SMU interview. i said i noe exactly wat i want in life. i doubt any amt of essays and interviews will allow me to pass ur test.
sometimes i just feel like crying...coz i feel tt i am undeserving of u...and i noe tt u feel undeserving of anyone. i asked u out to see stars again and again yet u say no. how i wish i cld make a wish on a shooting star while we are together at tt instant tt we may be together forever. Yet...i am too denied of tt chance. u wld take things from anyone except me...i am always ur last resort. u bought me a can of coke just to pay me off for my prez?? wat am i to u?? just an acct tt spews things on u tt u dun want but can't reject so u just credit tt acct back?
i want to speak to u. but i won't be able to find e words. my voice will catch in my throat and for once in my life, i lose my eloquence. I just stare at u and such a powerful emotion cluthes me tt i can't do any goddamn thing. i miss u. haven't seen u online since monday. it's been 4 days. i wonder if u ever noe how much u affect me...just by doing nothing...yet to me...ur doing nothing is my everything. once..u told me tt if u like a gal...u will tell her when e time is ripe. well..........i dunno. but i doubt u like me. and i want to find out. shall i entrust this task upon someone?? e.g. e only person who noes both of us and noes this (besides ting of coz)....
e resurfacing of mr photographer is not a gd sign i must say. i wld hate a triangle amongst ppl who noe this other and this will cause u great displeasure and stress....i wish not for it.
am i asking for too much?? so many ppl i have rejected...maybe it is heaven's will tt i will go thru e agony, e torture, e rejection and grow from it.
sleepy
soooo sleepy..lol...madness.my eyes are closing...typing this with my eyes closed...going to see how many words i get wrong
NIL! amazing. lol...see my typing rox..and u noe wat??think i shld get more tuition assignments...got lobang tell me horz. ;P i think nothing is stil reading my blog...so if u are...DO leave me a comment so tt i noe u exist..lol...WELL...busy busy...i got this buying frenzy?? spend so much money.
I want get 'Vanity Fair' VCD or bk is fine...tt show/book's sypnosis seems quite interesting...but i think bk more complete rite?? somemore tt bk so thick...going out with grace and rubz tmr...rubz got kino card...lol..*swoons* when i get a permanent job...i'm gonna collect discount and membership cards...tt will be totally cool! and of coz bks and vcds/dvds/cds...i love anything with a plot (tt's y i love LIFE!) actually...i like theatre of e absurd too...so make it tt i like anything tt speaks to me. =) DO u talk?? if yes, do apply to be an item of interest to me...muahahahhaa
from now on...everyday i will write one thing i love abt life on my blog to remind myself how beautiful life is. I love movies. tt rox...encapsulating an entire love story into 2 hrs...beautiful. Today i watched windstruck (which happens to be da's fav show...which i must admit was y i bought it)...such a nice sweet show...i cried for an hr...my mom came hm and stared at me asking me y i cry till so miserable..LOL...super nice show...everyone shld watch it. =) e char in e show said he wanted to b e wind...i want to be a star after i die...coz i want to be always there for ppl i love...when all things are well...it's like day time they won't notice me...but when things seem bleak...e darker e situation e more visible i am to them so i am always there...i am all over e world all e time. i will be there with them forever even if i'm nvr noticed...and when one day...they find happiness...i will be up there in e heavens as a star winking at them.
a luxury item
HEY! can put diff colour for my words...muahahhaaha.....
PERHAPS....for me...love is an luxury item i nvr cld afford. SORRY to those who hate pink...lol...it's a pinkish entry. Perhaps it is fated for i nvr like those who love me. either tt...or it is simply impossible...of coz u may argue tt i am e one who defines my boundaries and thus i limit myself. HOWEVER...we are all trapped by our own beliefs so u have no right to criticize me.
Sam is going off to US to study. TOTALLY cool. However, i'm not sam...i cannot leave all financial issues to faith and God...like God can only show u e way...he won't appear and give u money lahz...so still must work for it myself. I believe tt my best shot at an uni edu (w/o having to drop out halfway due to financial constraints) is in sg. Glorious green and clean city (we're not tt green really.)
wat else...hmmmmm....i am still head over heels over waist over hair over every part of my body in love with da i guess...can't believe i am so mad....WELL...at least my workplace is fun..challenging so takes my mind off things...including how badly e choir is functioning..lol...keeps my mind off how weird someone has been acting...keeps my mind off my seemingly unrequited but totally overwhelming love...over some guy who thinks he likes me just coz i remind him of his ex...to take my mind off this guy at work who seems so like corn and adorable in his own way...OFF tons of things. tt's y i stick with my job despite e pay. coz it is a ot of rest for me...doesn't tire me at all..but rather recharges me.=)
Today e SMU interview was great...it was fun chatting with e lecturers and cracking dumb jokes and telling them abt myself. perhaps i do love talking abt myself...abt e dev of a person...abt quotes and inspirational msgs...all these qualities will prob make me a great motivational speaker...sis is rite...tt can be my calling after i retire. Talks on being young at heart, on biz, on strategies, on willpower, how to study...watever crap. EASY money and totally fun wheeeeee~~~~~
Corn's getting married soon. I'll be invited. Somehow...i dun feel a tinge of regret or sadness or even envy. I feel a sense of peace i haven't had in yrs...i slight sense of bliss for he has found his happiness and i noe tt happiness will follow him and me in future whereever life leads us...even if life leads us apart we will noe tt e other is happy somewhere else in this world. Rox on~