argh~~
04.30.04 (7:23 pm) [edit]
crazy...crazy crazy crazy...i dunno wat to do...argh!!! i guess that corn has permanently walked out of my life...nvr even rep my smses...looking at e puzzle i meant to give him now...it seems so meaningless now...like...for wat?? if he doesn't want to give any of his time to me...or to face me...then i dun want to force him too...but i guess i will carry on smsing him until a long long time later...i think i will nvr ever forget his hp no. though...a horrible tot just struck me...wat if he changed it?? i dun want to call and give a try really...coz i am not too gd at talking to him over e phone...
still rem e time when i called him coz he din rep my smses and realised tt his phone has been off for a few days...when i called and he finally ansed e call...i was almost crying....and i said something as stupid as 'i tot u disappeared or was kidnapped' then he just said 'i told u i go hol le ahz' then i stammered tt he din tell me he extended e hol...then i asked myself y shld he tell me tt??
see...i've been like tt...keep thinking of e past...reminisce for wat?? nothing will change...nothing...everything already has a place tt i cannot refute...wat's left is e future...but how do i move on...when my past is dragging me down...sinking me... i wish i could accept ji'en coz he's a really nice guy and i noe tt he will seriously be a very gd bf...he may not be like e sharon bf kind...those tt pay for all ur expenses...tt drive u ard...but nevertheless...i noe that he will love me with his 100% and tt's enuf for me...but i also noe tt i can't love him enuf coz i can't get away from e past. but yet...so far...i still dun love ji'en enuf to be able to say tt i'm willing to give up everything for him just to be with him...therefore...i can't......
i feel so mean abt ji'en...he's really nice to me...and i do wish for him to be nice to me...but i can't recipocrate his feelings...shld i tell him to stop being so nice?? but tt's depriving him of trying to chase me...and tt is horrible too...coz i'll be depriving him and myself of tt chance...listening to e song he sent me now...'ai qing bu neng zou bi jiao' he doesn't want me to compare...and so i won't...i want to tell him stuff...but....i dun want to hurt him too...i just hope tt some stuff go away and i nvr have to tell him...but i noe tt when corn says nothing at all...i understand him...and he understands me...when ji'en says nothing at all...i think i understand him...but i nvr do...when i say nothing at all...he understands me...
some things i dun want to write down...and i dun want to tell anyone...coz once i let it leave my heart...it will become reality...how many times have things start with a tiny crush...but once u tell a fren...or write it in a blog...it turns into something bigger?? tt's y i'm not saying anything...close my eyes...and perhaps it will go away...but do i want it to go away?? it cannot stay...but i want it to stay...but i noe tt it will leave...so y hang on?? i dunno...i dunno...i dunno
still rem e time when i called him coz he din rep my smses and realised tt his phone has been off for a few days...when i called and he finally ansed e call...i was almost crying....and i said something as stupid as 'i tot u disappeared or was kidnapped' then he just said 'i told u i go hol le ahz' then i stammered tt he din tell me he extended e hol...then i asked myself y shld he tell me tt??
see...i've been like tt...keep thinking of e past...reminisce for wat?? nothing will change...nothing...everything already has a place tt i cannot refute...wat's left is e future...but how do i move on...when my past is dragging me down...sinking me... i wish i could accept ji'en coz he's a really nice guy and i noe tt he will seriously be a very gd bf...he may not be like e sharon bf kind...those tt pay for all ur expenses...tt drive u ard...but nevertheless...i noe that he will love me with his 100% and tt's enuf for me...but i also noe tt i can't love him enuf coz i can't get away from e past. but yet...so far...i still dun love ji'en enuf to be able to say tt i'm willing to give up everything for him just to be with him...therefore...i can't......
i feel so mean abt ji'en...he's really nice to me...and i do wish for him to be nice to me...but i can't recipocrate his feelings...shld i tell him to stop being so nice?? but tt's depriving him of trying to chase me...and tt is horrible too...coz i'll be depriving him and myself of tt chance...listening to e song he sent me now...'ai qing bu neng zou bi jiao' he doesn't want me to compare...and so i won't...i want to tell him stuff...but....i dun want to hurt him too...i just hope tt some stuff go away and i nvr have to tell him...but i noe tt when corn says nothing at all...i understand him...and he understands me...when ji'en says nothing at all...i think i understand him...but i nvr do...when i say nothing at all...he understands me...
some things i dun want to write down...and i dun want to tell anyone...coz once i let it leave my heart...it will become reality...how many times have things start with a tiny crush...but once u tell a fren...or write it in a blog...it turns into something bigger?? tt's y i'm not saying anything...close my eyes...and perhaps it will go away...but do i want it to go away?? it cannot stay...but i want it to stay...but i noe tt it will leave...so y hang on?? i dunno...i dunno...i dunno
can't believe it
04.27.04 (6:14 am) [edit]
e vege i noe....will nvr be e guy i heard abt today...read vege's blog today...he says tt he's safe secure and happy...but.....
okie...here's wat rubin told me...quite disappointing in a way...vege really changed alot...was told tt vege and yunling are always doing something under e table in class...then they got caught a few times le....plus heard tt ozzie caught them dunno doing wat before also...my first reaction was...vege??!! okie...then also heard tt one day after PE...grace saw vege and yunling hugging each other outside e toilets and alot of pple were there...coz free show?? wonder wat they were doing sia...even someone like u-co won't PDA in sch...
okie...last thing is e worse one...heard tt yunling and vege always go sick bay pon lessons...and guys and gals diff rm one...one day...this gal wanted to sign in...e clerk person opened e door to e gals rm...and no one was there...and e guy's rm was locked...tt is really woah...wah liew...
i dunno wat to think...i wish i could vouch for vege's integrity...but i found tt i couldn't speak a word in defence for him...so i guess tt wat rubin said must have struck me as true...i tend to notice e simple things and analyse from there...just looking at how yunling and vege are so touchy at e canteen i noe le...just seeing how vege is so heck abt his appearance now...i noe le...vege has changed...and i hope yunling will be okie...coz vege will cont to demand intimacy coz it's attention to him...and yunling will nvr be able to break with him......
my instincts are always rite..........
okie...here's wat rubin told me...quite disappointing in a way...vege really changed alot...was told tt vege and yunling are always doing something under e table in class...then they got caught a few times le....plus heard tt ozzie caught them dunno doing wat before also...my first reaction was...vege??!! okie...then also heard tt one day after PE...grace saw vege and yunling hugging each other outside e toilets and alot of pple were there...coz free show?? wonder wat they were doing sia...even someone like u-co won't PDA in sch...
okie...last thing is e worse one...heard tt yunling and vege always go sick bay pon lessons...and guys and gals diff rm one...one day...this gal wanted to sign in...e clerk person opened e door to e gals rm...and no one was there...and e guy's rm was locked...tt is really woah...wah liew...
i dunno wat to think...i wish i could vouch for vege's integrity...but i found tt i couldn't speak a word in defence for him...so i guess tt wat rubin said must have struck me as true...i tend to notice e simple things and analyse from there...just looking at how yunling and vege are so touchy at e canteen i noe le...just seeing how vege is so heck abt his appearance now...i noe le...vege has changed...and i hope yunling will be okie...coz vege will cont to demand intimacy coz it's attention to him...and yunling will nvr be able to break with him......
my instincts are always rite..........
a place~~
04.26.04 (8:01 am) [edit]
i guess tt sometimes life is liddat...sometimes i try to lock my heart shut to some pple...i lock it...padlock it...throw away e key...yet...after i do all tt...i realise tt e person nvr left after all and is now trapped within e heart which i lost e key to...
sometimes i want to cry...coz no matter how hard i try...i can't change e way my heart works...it's beyond control...yet i cannot divorce my heart nor can i change it...it is as much a part of me as anything else...one heart less...and i'll not be whole anymore...
my heart and mind are filled with memories of u...can't erase them no matter wat...pls...help me find tt key...i dun want to live in e past anymore...replaying memories as if they were scenes from a movie...no...stop...
sometimes i want to cry...coz no matter how hard i try...i can't change e way my heart works...it's beyond control...yet i cannot divorce my heart nor can i change it...it is as much a part of me as anything else...one heart less...and i'll not be whole anymore...
my heart and mind are filled with memories of u...can't erase them no matter wat...pls...help me find tt key...i dun want to live in e past anymore...replaying memories as if they were scenes from a movie...no...stop...
hmmmm...
04.24.04 (6:07 am) [edit]
really like e kuai le bu kuai le song...but nvr did noe y...now i think i noe...coz e gal in e song is throughly sad and has given up on love...coz she realises tt it all comes to nought and regardless of whether u had more joy or sadness...it doesn't really matter coz it's over anyway...i nvr did noe e true meaning of e song but i still tear everytime i hear it....u may ask 'kit y so weak?? since when?!!' and i'll tell u when...since i first felt cold.........in england...i nvr did feel cold though e wind was strong and chilling...then one day...i felt cold...love has made me vulnerable...i hate tt...
feeling real frustrated nowadays...for dunno wat reasons also...guess i stressed...academics shld be doing better lorz...and still got maths typing...ah ah sia...dun feel like running for choir on sports day le...i totally taxed out...cmi...want cut hair tmr...symbolising a new lease of life?? i'm not sure. But once...someone told me tt when a gal cuts her hair...she has made an impt decision in her life...really?? oh well...i did make one...to do my best in everything esp academics...i shld have been up on stage today...but i wasn't...u asking me y?? it's coz i din study!!! freak~~ LOL...so must start now...i can do it manz~~
oh yah...pc's in trouble...he owes some bookies like 26k...kinda worried...i noe i'm really rabak lahz...but i told ms jean abt it coz i felt tt she can help him...but apparently pc refuses to be reached...wat is left for me to do but pray for his safety and tt he keeps his integrity...he's been a real gd fren...always there for me...esp during OC period...pillar of strength for me and jess...but now...this pillar is gonna fall soon...me and jess can't catch it...support it...and right it again...sigh~~
feeling real frustrated nowadays...for dunno wat reasons also...guess i stressed...academics shld be doing better lorz...and still got maths typing...ah ah sia...dun feel like running for choir on sports day le...i totally taxed out...cmi...want cut hair tmr...symbolising a new lease of life?? i'm not sure. But once...someone told me tt when a gal cuts her hair...she has made an impt decision in her life...really?? oh well...i did make one...to do my best in everything esp academics...i shld have been up on stage today...but i wasn't...u asking me y?? it's coz i din study!!! freak~~ LOL...so must start now...i can do it manz~~
oh yah...pc's in trouble...he owes some bookies like 26k...kinda worried...i noe i'm really rabak lahz...but i told ms jean abt it coz i felt tt she can help him...but apparently pc refuses to be reached...wat is left for me to do but pray for his safety and tt he keeps his integrity...he's been a real gd fren...always there for me...esp during OC period...pillar of strength for me and jess...but now...this pillar is gonna fall soon...me and jess can't catch it...support it...and right it again...sigh~~
shucks
04.21.04 (8:32 pm) [edit]
been so long since i last blog...and i think my pc got alot of viruses or something...LOL...die lahz...oh yah...i pon sch today...but i miss sch now...LOL...serious...guess tt sch's fun and cool with sharon and rubin and sam and kala and my fabulous class...although they do leave us out sometimes...coz they have this malay clique thingie and malays always put their fellow malays as priority...but...at least they're fun pple so yupz...
i am so slack...i love and hate tt part of myself...LOL...dunno wat to do abt myself too...sigh...it's almost like a disorder...sigh...got another prob lahz...corn nvr asked me abt dinner again and i think i might as well forget it or something...just let him go and keep e memories...as for ji'en...i wonder if i'm leading him on...i guess tt it will depend on whether it will lead to something....which i dunno also...he sent me e 'when you say nothing at all song' and i guess he will catch me whenever i fall...but can 2 pple as diff as me and ji'en be together?? i really wonder...maybe i'm too pessimistic abt love rite now...but oh well...i would say tt i dun love ji'en enuf for a r/s currently...plus there's 'A's NS uni...anything can happen and i dun want a break-up. Before i get attached...my qn is always...how easily can i break up...which is dumb...but yupz...tt's me...love it or hate it...it's me...negative capability
i am so slack...i love and hate tt part of myself...LOL...dunno wat to do abt myself too...sigh...it's almost like a disorder...sigh...got another prob lahz...corn nvr asked me abt dinner again and i think i might as well forget it or something...just let him go and keep e memories...as for ji'en...i wonder if i'm leading him on...i guess tt it will depend on whether it will lead to something....which i dunno also...he sent me e 'when you say nothing at all song' and i guess he will catch me whenever i fall...but can 2 pple as diff as me and ji'en be together?? i really wonder...maybe i'm too pessimistic abt love rite now...but oh well...i would say tt i dun love ji'en enuf for a r/s currently...plus there's 'A's NS uni...anything can happen and i dun want a break-up. Before i get attached...my qn is always...how easily can i break up...which is dumb...but yupz...tt's me...love it or hate it...it's me...negative capability
cannot take it
04.17.04 (8:28 am) [edit]
cannot spend a nite w/o talking to ji'en in a way...keep hoping tt he'll come online...but notz...so yupz...nitez...
end of e 9pm show
04.16.04 (7:20 am) [edit]
beautiful trio is over...lots of philo stuff in it...love it man...life is like rock climbing...u may have setbacks but at e end...e view is beautiful...so keep on living... :D
dunno lehz...but i really love tt show...woman rights?? LOL...feministic?? maybe bahz...love is when someone will nvr hurt u...will always sacrifice for u...love...LOL...all women want to be loved...deep down in their hearts...tt's norm...i guess...
and i really liked e part when stella said tt marriage and love are very complex to a woman and she may not marry someone just coz she loves him e most...how true...i guess tt tt's real diff from men who would prob marry u if he loves u and u're chio so yupz...i came to my own realisation too...a woman shld marry a man tt she only loves 80%...coz e other 20% is to love herself...coz when a woman is in love she's irrational and would do anything...however, she shld marry a guy tt loves her 100% for e marriage to work out...coz guys will only truly be there for u all e time and understand and accept u and love u only if he loves u 100%...anyway...e 80% and 100% is usu e same amt in most cases...LOL...
dunno lehz...but i really love tt show...woman rights?? LOL...feministic?? maybe bahz...love is when someone will nvr hurt u...will always sacrifice for u...love...LOL...all women want to be loved...deep down in their hearts...tt's norm...i guess...
and i really liked e part when stella said tt marriage and love are very complex to a woman and she may not marry someone just coz she loves him e most...how true...i guess tt tt's real diff from men who would prob marry u if he loves u and u're chio so yupz...i came to my own realisation too...a woman shld marry a man tt she only loves 80%...coz e other 20% is to love herself...coz when a woman is in love she's irrational and would do anything...however, she shld marry a guy tt loves her 100% for e marriage to work out...coz guys will only truly be there for u all e time and understand and accept u and love u only if he loves u 100%...anyway...e 80% and 100% is usu e same amt in most cases...LOL...
crazily nice
04.16.04 (3:11 am) [edit]
ji'en is crazily nice...too crazily nice...so crazily nice tt sometimes i just want to hug him and cry and laff at e same time...LOL...but he's too crazily nice so he deserves better...coz i can nvr give him my whole heart and he will crazily nicely accept it.........
sigh
04.07.04 (1:47 am) [edit]
yijing's mom passed away last nite...had lung cancer for a yr and i nvr knew...wat kind of fren am i sia...quite shocked when i got e news...my first tot was tt it's a joke...coz auntie is so fit and a nurse and stuff...but i realised tt it's not...yijing won't joke abt this kinda thing...
i'm going to e wake tmr nite i guess...maybe today nite too...and going to e funeral on fri morn...really saddened in a way...but i guess tt she'll go to heaven coz she's real nice...i still rem her so vividly...her face...her voice...sigh...i hope jing is okie...she's a strong gal...and i noe tt...i can't help but feel like crying...knew auntie for 11 yrs now...real long time...will always rem her too... :cry: ...can only hope to do wat she would want me to do now...so i intend to study hard coz tt's wat she always tells me...and i'll try to be happy coz she would want tt too...and of coz...very imptly...i'll help yijing in any way i can......
i'm going to e wake tmr nite i guess...maybe today nite too...and going to e funeral on fri morn...really saddened in a way...but i guess tt she'll go to heaven coz she's real nice...i still rem her so vividly...her face...her voice...sigh...i hope jing is okie...she's a strong gal...and i noe tt...i can't help but feel like crying...knew auntie for 11 yrs now...real long time...will always rem her too... :cry: ...can only hope to do wat she would want me to do now...so i intend to study hard coz tt's wat she always tells me...and i'll try to be happy coz she would want tt too...and of coz...very imptly...i'll help yijing in any way i can......
love
04.06.04 (7:27 am) [edit]
maybe i've been blind all this while...but i realised something today...i'm kinda like sam in e 9 pm show...e gal played by stella...i dun fall for guys who like me...for some reason it is just so...i wonder y too...
i believe in equality...gals can chase guys too...tt's y i'm like so open-minded and crazy in a way...maybe i shld change...not even sure if this is e real me...maybe it's a mask too...sigh~~
ji'en just came online...i beginning to be so addicted to him i shld just kill myself...i dun like to be addicted or over-reliant on anyone...but this time...may be my exception (except maybe corn)...but i think i've fallen for ji'en...real weird and stupid...but yupz...but i dun think we'll get anywhere...coz we're just so diff...i'll be like e guy in e r/s...and i think tt both me and tt sam in e show...we may be capable and very gung ho...but in a r/s...we want to be gentle too!!!!! so yupz...i can't imagine following ji'en ard and letting him make e decisions...we'll prob end up puking from riding e pirate ship 100 times instead of investing tt money!!!!!! LOL...see e diff?? but if he jio me...and ask at e rite time...i'll prob say yes...but i noe he won't!! LOL...see lahz!! weird weird situation...
dun care lahz!! i shall just study...time to start...think i fail my geog CA le...really lucky to have passed econs and GP!! dun be complacent...could be a fluk!! quoting ms jean ahz...........slackers dun do well forever ahz!!
i believe in equality...gals can chase guys too...tt's y i'm like so open-minded and crazy in a way...maybe i shld change...not even sure if this is e real me...maybe it's a mask too...sigh~~
ji'en just came online...i beginning to be so addicted to him i shld just kill myself...i dun like to be addicted or over-reliant on anyone...but this time...may be my exception (except maybe corn)...but i think i've fallen for ji'en...real weird and stupid...but yupz...but i dun think we'll get anywhere...coz we're just so diff...i'll be like e guy in e r/s...and i think tt both me and tt sam in e show...we may be capable and very gung ho...but in a r/s...we want to be gentle too!!!!! so yupz...i can't imagine following ji'en ard and letting him make e decisions...we'll prob end up puking from riding e pirate ship 100 times instead of investing tt money!!!!!! LOL...see e diff?? but if he jio me...and ask at e rite time...i'll prob say yes...but i noe he won't!! LOL...see lahz!! weird weird situation...
dun care lahz!! i shall just study...time to start...think i fail my geog CA le...really lucky to have passed econs and GP!! dun be complacent...could be a fluk!! quoting ms jean ahz...........slackers dun do well forever ahz!!
2 discoveries
04.03.04 (5:53 pm) [edit]
i discovered 2 things abt myself today and yest...
1. i have 2 greatest fears...to be forgotten by pple tt mean so much to me...and to forget my cherished memories or to even forget e ones tt meant so much to me...
scary isn't it?? i mean life is a roller coaster ride sometimes and pple just forget stuff...wat if i forget e things tt mean e most to me?? tt's freaky huh...think i'm getting more and more philo...i'm kinda interested in taking philo at uni...but it's a most unconventional path and i dun think S'pore needs philosophers...things are too fast for them to stop and think...they need architects...doctors...engineers to help them build up this artificial material physical city they live in...they have no use for a philosopher which words are but useless noise tt cannot even serve to provide them with a bread crumb...so yupz...still thinking abt it
2. i absolutely love jigsaw puzzles
this must mean something...coz i am like crazily obsessed...could mean tt like in 'winter sonata' i'm trying to piece together a memory...i think tt perhaps...i'm trying to piece together a hypothesis of whether corn did love me in e first place...but a hypothesis needs to be proven before it can be a thesis...can i live with a hypothesis all my life only to discover tt perhaps it is fake before i die?? is that how i want to live my life?? in a lie?? my answer is yes as long as corn loves me........
really stupid...but i've not been logical for some time..............
time...time is such a weird thing...first it can work for u or against u...depends on how u choose to use it or not use it...but sometimes i feel like we're dun control time but time controls us...YES...we do make use of time...but time controls us too...coz we have to do it's bidding...it passes by and we can't go back...all living things based on e quality of living are contolled by time...
since i'm on e subj of philo...a chinese philosopher once had a dream tt he's a butterfly...then he woke up and wondered 'am i a philosopher dreaming tt i'm a butterfly'...or......'am i a butterfly dreaming tt i'm a philosopher'....tt's e qn of wat am i...e world we live in is a simulacra...and pple no longer noe wat they are like...i want to noe wat i am like!! someone tell me!!!! coz i think tt i really have a split personality or something...coz i adapt too well to diff situations...beginning to think there is no real me...but i'm merely just a social construct...someone...tell me who is e real me........
1. i have 2 greatest fears...to be forgotten by pple tt mean so much to me...and to forget my cherished memories or to even forget e ones tt meant so much to me...
scary isn't it?? i mean life is a roller coaster ride sometimes and pple just forget stuff...wat if i forget e things tt mean e most to me?? tt's freaky huh...think i'm getting more and more philo...i'm kinda interested in taking philo at uni...but it's a most unconventional path and i dun think S'pore needs philosophers...things are too fast for them to stop and think...they need architects...doctors...engineers to help them build up this artificial material physical city they live in...they have no use for a philosopher which words are but useless noise tt cannot even serve to provide them with a bread crumb...so yupz...still thinking abt it
2. i absolutely love jigsaw puzzles
this must mean something...coz i am like crazily obsessed...could mean tt like in 'winter sonata' i'm trying to piece together a memory...i think tt perhaps...i'm trying to piece together a hypothesis of whether corn did love me in e first place...but a hypothesis needs to be proven before it can be a thesis...can i live with a hypothesis all my life only to discover tt perhaps it is fake before i die?? is that how i want to live my life?? in a lie?? my answer is yes as long as corn loves me........
really stupid...but i've not been logical for some time..............
time...time is such a weird thing...first it can work for u or against u...depends on how u choose to use it or not use it...but sometimes i feel like we're dun control time but time controls us...YES...we do make use of time...but time controls us too...coz we have to do it's bidding...it passes by and we can't go back...all living things based on e quality of living are contolled by time...
since i'm on e subj of philo...a chinese philosopher once had a dream tt he's a butterfly...then he woke up and wondered 'am i a philosopher dreaming tt i'm a butterfly'...or......'am i a butterfly dreaming tt i'm a philosopher'....tt's e qn of wat am i...e world we live in is a simulacra...and pple no longer noe wat they are like...i want to noe wat i am like!! someone tell me!!!! coz i think tt i really have a split personality or something...coz i adapt too well to diff situations...beginning to think there is no real me...but i'm merely just a social construct...someone...tell me who is e real me........
choir orientation
04.03.04 (12:46 am) [edit]
it rox...LOL...tt's e summary...not bad for a first time thing with details settled only yest...choir rox...wat to do...refereed ecaptain's ball...and i love jump ball...LOL...so fun...sometimes i can throw a pretty gd jumpball...e match with jien and auga jumping ball rite...really nice ball...it went str up................and jien hit it...not bad! nice ball!! and e orientation is real tiring but i loved it...wanted to be feminist today...coz astro taunted me abt carrying pails...so i carried 2 pails of water by myself just like he had...LOL...i a bit crazy lahz...but later in e morn...i decided tt today is a crazy day full of carrying and a feminist approach would sux...so yupz...got ji'en dan and auga to help me do stuff...not bad...they really did alot...thanks guys~